thejoke.cafe Funny Status Messages

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   "Sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." — John. F. Kennedy

   What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

   I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day, if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates, you were a faggot.

   The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters. So Trump can’t tweet it.

   After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear today.

   I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person. “That’s lovely” she said, giving me a hug. “I’m glad you think so” I replied. “Your bag’s by the front door”.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.