linda Funny Status Messages

   i can't sing but I do have other oral talents.

   Glittery eyeliner makes my daddy issues sparkle.

   Everyone's gynecologist uses the term 'battle damage,' right?

   I don't mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving... Well that's when I run you over.

   I just found spider crawling up my leg. I wanted to kill it but I missed so I cut off my leg instead.

   When a guy says he doesn't eat pu$$y,I always say...well, nothing, because he's pretty much dead to me at that point.

   If I don't look like I barely survived a natural disaster after we've had sex, you need to try harder.

   I usually watch porn on mute; so the neighbors can hear me climax.

   If I'm down on my knees, I'm probably not one who's begging.

   Sometimes I squirt mayonnaise across my breasts so I don't forget what it's like to have a boyfriend.