Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   Kissing someone while they are asleep is one of the purest displays of love...unless you're in prison.

   I’ve decided to raise my kids gender neutral. Not because I’m embracing any LGBTLMNOP agenda but more because I like buying stuff on sale.

   Ah yes, it's that wonderful time of year between Christmas and New Years that I like to call "The Festive Perineum".

   It's my birthday! I'm finally at that age where I can switch from health food to preservatives.

   If I was a cr4ck addict, I might drive to another state to drop off a laptop and then forget about it.

   Sometimes I stay awake at night wondering… How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size.

   My wife is a wild animal in bed. And by that I mean she's more afraid of me than I am of her.

   I don't know why people see a stutter as being a negative thing. I love people with stutters. It's like they're giving you a drum roll before they start talking.

   My dad said I would always go down in history. He was right. I also fingered a girl in geography.

   I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!