Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working.

   When we yawn, do deaf people think we are yelling?

   Whoever put the S in fast food is a marketing genius.

   I didn’t say you were a ho… I said you take bigger loads down the throat than Charlie Kirk

   Where can I apply for fuel stamps???

   My wife asked how golf went. I said, "Mentally? Tough. Spiritually? Necessary".

   I don't usually brag about going to expensive places... But I just left the gas station.

   My wife asked why I wake up at 4 a.m. to fish. Because peace and quiet are apparently sunrise exclusives

   I don't understand why banks get upset when you can't repay a loan. You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.

   My wife said, "Do whatever you want". I'm currently evaluating risk.