Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife asked me to pick up "chips and salsa" on the way home from work, then abruptly hung up. I think she's still mad that she let me name the twins.

   They say money talks. Mine just waves goodbye.

   When your advertisement interrupts my video, it makes me really hate your product.

   I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

   Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone. Will you call it?" 12 people called me... I need smarter friends.

   your body is made up of 70% water, Not coke

   A bill collector called and said, "Your bill is now a year old". I said, "Tell it happy birthday" and hung up.

   I'm kind of regretting my "Myspace Rules!" tattoo on my calf.

   Advice: Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Did you hear about the duck who walked into a convenience store to buy some chap stick and cashier asked cash or charge? And duck said just put it on my bill.