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Funny Status Messages for Facebook

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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X says My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
←Rate | 03-31-2015 00:39 Comments (0)

X says Everyday I see some stupid comment on a mutual friends page and I am forced to add another name to my block list. . .
←Rate | 03-30-2015 23:24 by JAB Comments (0)

X says the boss keeps talking about a company 401 k ..... I don't think I can run that far
←Rate | 03-30-2015 22:36 by Eddy Comments (0)

X I think Pokerstars and Adobe are in a race to see which one can have more software updates per year.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 17:37 Comments (0)

X says I just read a funny that said, "says Anyone had a bottle of Evian lately? Tastes a little plane." Boy was that in poor taste. BAHAHAHAHAHA
←Rate | 03-30-2015 17:29 Comments (0)

X "Life is like a box of chocolates. An emotional" man "can destroy one in 5 minutes."
←Rate | 03-30-2015 16:13 Comments (0)

X Wiping after going to the bathroom can be such a pain in the ass
←Rate | 03-30-2015 15:29 by JT Comments (0)

X says Money saving tip - Drink at home. You're welcome
←Rate | 03-30-2015 14:30 Comments (0)

X says Some people should not have been given the ability to talk and breathe at the same time
←Rate | 03-30-2015 14:11 by remy911 Comments (0)

X says No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
←Rate | 03-30-2015 14:10 Comments (0)

X says Life is like a box of chocolates. An emotional woman can destroy one in 5 minutes.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 13:10 Comments (0)

X says It is incredibly ironic that the people with the most narrow and closed minds also have the widest and open mouths.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 11:56 Comments (0)

X says Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 11:55 Comments (0)

X says Calm down Jihadists. If you're in that much of a hurry to see 72 virgins, just go to a Star Trek convention.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 11:55 Comments (0)

X says I started homeschooling my kids and now we're allergic to gluten and don't believe in vaccines.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 11:53 Comments (0)

X says "Mom, why do bad things happen to good people?" "Oh sweetie, that's just God's way of showing you that he doesn't exist. Sleep tight"
←Rate | 03-30-2015 11:53 Comments (1)

X says Did a 5k today only instead of kilometers it was the number of calories I ate at lunch.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 11:52 Comments (0)

X says The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 11:36 by M Comments (0)

X says I'm so old I remember when "LOL" meant "Laugh Out Loud" and not "I can't think of anything to reply with.""
←Rate | 03-30-2015 10:54 Comments (0)

X says I'm so old I remember when people didn't publicly express every feeling they had every moment they had it.
←Rate | 03-30-2015 05:47 by huck Comments (0)


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