Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.

   Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

   Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

   Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I'm eating.

   I wondered why everyone said I had "bed hair", until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

   me: I'm just so tired of the monotony of my life, it's exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?

   please ignore Schiff's dumb comment below

   One thing I don't get. If you people really do think that Trump and his body is in excellent shape, why do you keep photoshopping his head on muscle men's bodies?????

   Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

   It's Mickey Mouse Day today. He made his debut on this day in 1928. He's 91 years old. He's gone from "It's a small world" to "It's an enlarged prostate."

   You know you're old when the "I've fallen and I can't get up" ads aren't funny anymore.

   The "Epstein Didn't Kill Himself" catch-phrase has lasted longer than he did in prison.

   Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.

   Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

   Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware...

   Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: I've got 21K followers on Twitter. Doctor: A simple "No" would have been sufficient.

   My son doesn't always throw up, but when he does, he's already in bed.

   I now know that no matter how happy you are it's not always the right time to clap your hands and show it. Mother in Law's funeral taught me that.

   I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties. Now I sneak out of parties to go to my house. ‬

   YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house