Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me, that'd be great.

   When your kids say they hate school, remember to tell them that someday if they're lucky, they'll have a job they hate too.

   Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you talk about Botox and nobody even raises an eyebrow.

   I called my wife to tell her I'd seen a bear on the way to work. She asked how I knew it was on its way to work. I hung up on her.

   Screwed around and used all my sick days. Now I gotta call in dead.

   I guess they had to invent artificial intelligence since real intelligence is running out.

   Can we please stop the spin the wheel crap when visiting a website already?

   Sometimes I think about deleting all social media and living in a cabin in the woods. Then I remember I like online shopping.

   I love that I have a positive mental attitude. I'm positive. I'm mental. And I definitely have attitude.

   Marriage tip: Always keep your spouse as the center on your phone. That way, whenever you need some encouragement, you can look at your phone and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to this person for so long, I can get through anything".