Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Just ate a cheese stick wrapped in salami that I bought from 7-11 but I still feel like I deserve God's love.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always hoped to be unwed and financially unstable in my 30s and here I am, killing it.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every kid who had a framed Lamborghini poster in his bedroom now works at a vape shop.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Really want to go on House Hunters and just repeatedly ask, "how many ferret cages you reckon would fit in here?" in every room.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I was in a position to hire someone and their resume read "I've never attended a political rally", I'd probably give them the job.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We don't know if Mary ever made Jesus turn her water into wine because there wasn't social media back then for Moms to talk about wine on.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet the cooks at Applebee's are pretty excited about the new James Harden shoe by Adidas.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry kids, Mom's too nauseous to do anymore Disney rides today.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember the time I blocked every channel except QVC and you were so mad and it was totally worth it because we got a deep fryer?
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Imagine what Star Wars was rated before they censored all of R2-D2's lines.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife bought that Pepperidge Farm bread so I guess this is what it feels like to have disposable income.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can do anything you want when you grow up, son, as long as you don't go viral on the internet before daddy.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I worry about what other people think but then I remember that most people are super dumb and probably don't think at all, like those darn funny Trump supporters.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm gonna light a tire fire on my front lawn & just chant all day & night until my kids start school again so everyone understands my pain.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 01:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Finally got the rest of that Butterfinger out of my teeth that I ate in 2014.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 01:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry I told your kid beehives were nature's honey piñatas.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 01:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My last girlfriend said she wanted a commitment so I made a large purchase on her credit card.
←Rate | 08-26-2016 23:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ann Coulter only flies Southwest, because "bags fly free".
←Rate | 08-26-2016 19:42 Comments (0)  


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