Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I weigh 99 pounds and I eat 1 pound of nachos, am I 1percent nacho?

   I am only the bigger person in an argument because I am fat, remember that

   That was terrible referring to Puerto Rico as a floating island of garbage. Everyone knows it's Haiti.

   Just for old times sake, I checked in on my Farmville. It's now a Wal-mart.

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. first became angry.

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   There should be a reality show where flat-earthers search for the edge of the world.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   I have no idea what a HD is but the doctor just told me I have 80 of them Fuckers.

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.