Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe it's just me but I would never sign up to die.

   Ladies, if three or more guys have called you crazy, you're crazy...

   Jus cause ah got pre-paid minits, dat doant make me no less of a person!

   I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"

   Holding off getting ready because it's not nearly the last minute yet.

   Facebook requires 8 character complex password for what? The bank only wants a 4-digit number to remove all my cash.

   A spelling bee sounds like a horrifying creature that bellows out words and then stings you when you get one wrong.

   this girl I'm stalking never returns any of my texts,i think I should stalk other women.

   Looking for a way to charge my dog for staring at the window and watching squirrels all day. Petflix

   My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating

   The most impoprtant thing I have learned about parenthood is many times my parents must have come close to child murder.

   I'm not looking like a million dollars today, more like about $19.95. But I am hanging out at the Dollar Store so I am feeling pretty good.

   Can somebody tell me how Finding Dory ends? I was watching video of the minivan in front of me took an exit off the highway

   Old saying is that curiosity killed the cat, but I am pretty sure it was that '16 Ford Expedition

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   NEW: McCain reacts to Trump’s threat to “fight back and it won’t be pretty.” McCain: “I have faced tougher adversaries.

   Didn't Trump say he didn’t mock a disabled reporter, yet the video shows him doing it? Trump is a pathological liar! Only his feckless minions believe his falsehoods!

   Donald J. Trump is the greatest war hero the world has ever seen! Fact!

   I promise you this: If a Democrat won the presidency with the help of a foreign adversary, GOP leaders would demand YEARS of investigations.

   The president is mad that the NFL is rejecting fascism.