Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   feeling gay rn

   “I am the most transparent prezident of all time, and to prove it, I am launching another law suit to make sure all my personal information stays private.”

   Wednesday, 8AM, can't come soon enough! I'm like a kid waiting for Christmas.

   It's raining it's pouring and facebook is boring.

   Time to celebrate. Kingston, Jamaica has a new Prime Minister. Everybody smoke em de erb!

   Choking

   I am scared to death that when they storm area 51 they may find thousands of aliens… There is a group in Congress who would want to give them free healthcare...

   If catholic priests stormed Area 51, it would be predators vs aliens.

   He was rich, so we make sex.

   The Lion King is the best way that people from Michigan can see a group of Lions come together and win

   Shout out to the guy in the Beamer who gave me the finger for honking and waving at him. Your cell phone is on the roof of your car!

   The secret to contentment: my unmatched socks don't care into what dimension their partners were sent by the dryer. They just wish them well.

   Bernie Sanders is finally going to pay his staff the $15 minimum wage he advocates for. But he's going to reduce their hours. He has proven the point that increasing the minimum wage to $15 will cost people hours and jobs.

   I'm happy to say that my life is now plastic free! except for a few Tupperware containers and my Facebook account.

   Insanity runs in my family..it practically gallops.

   It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape.

   Area 51 is where they keep the working McDonalds iced cream machine.

   Took a step outside. Whew! Hotter than a Salma Hayek lap dance. I'm going back indoors.

   I don't need an Old Age app. I just need a mirror.

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...