Funny Status Messages for Facebook

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X says do you ever see a person you used to be friends with and you’re like “glad I got the f*ck outta that one”

X says Ran out of material to masturbate to? Try Googling Jen Selter images. You're welcome.

X says spilled an energy drink on the floor and my two chihuahuas licked it up before I could clean it... they are now both doing push ups

X says Once upon a time a Prince asked a Princess to marry him. She said no. So the Prince got to buy trucks and boats, date big breasted girls, go hunting an

X Not a funny post, but look up "babymetal chocolate" on youtube. the cutest headbangers

X says If I were funny I'd be on tv. But I'm on Facebook instead... talk about a let down.

X says Due to solar radiation the American flag planted on the moon is now faded completely to white. Great, now it looks like the French landed there...

X Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people.

X says I'm a s confused as an Octopus taking a Rorschach test

X says A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger.

X I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work.

X Went to see 300 Rise of An Empire last night. After that Athenians sex scene, I realized alot of Empire was rising in the theater. The Men sat down and watched the credits all the way to the very end!

X says There's a band called 1023MB, They haven't had any gigs yet!

X says Warm weather brings out the non tax payers outside

X My girl has been asleep for 14 hours now. I'm debating trying to wake her in case she's dead. But then again if I do wake her up I'll then be dead..

X says You deserve an Oscar for your portrayal of someone pretending to be in a relationship!

X There is a fine line between fishing and standing on shore looking like an idiot

X When ever I think about the past,,, It brings back so many memories

X says going for shots this morning. the dogs are getting rabies and I'm getting starbucks

X I've been embarrassed by my weight since, I dunno...it was first listed on my birth certificate.