Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
←Rate | 11-18-2019 16:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
←Rate | 11-18-2019 16:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I'm eating.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 16:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wondered why everyone said I had "bed hair", until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 15:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon me: I'm just so tired of the monotony of my life, it's exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
←Rate | 11-18-2019 15:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon please ignore Schiff's dumb comment below
←Rate | 11-18-2019 15:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One thing I don't get. If you people really do think that Trump and his body is in excellent shape, why do you keep photoshopping his head on muscle men's bodies?????
←Rate | 11-18-2019 15:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's Mickey Mouse Day today. He made his debut on this day in 1928. He's 91 years old. He's gone from "It's a small world" to "It's an enlarged prostate."
←Rate | 11-18-2019 14:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know you're old when the "I've fallen and I can't get up" ads aren't funny anymore.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 14:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The "Epstein Didn't Kill Himself" catch-phrase has lasted longer than he did in prison.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 14:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware...
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: I've got 21K followers on Twitter. Doctor: A simple "No" would have been sufficient.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My son doesn't always throw up, but when he does, he's already in bed.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I now know that no matter how happy you are it's not always the right time to clap your hands and show it. Mother in Law's funeral taught me that.
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties. Now I sneak out of parties to go to my house. ‬
←Rate | 11-18-2019 09:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
←Rate | 11-18-2019 08:49 Comments (0)  


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