Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial Day weekend everyone!!
←Rate | 05-25-2019 08:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What has this world come into? Pastor arrested for selling tickets to heaven.
←Rate | 05-24-2019 16:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Friday question: what's the best food to take to an orgy?
←Rate | 05-24-2019 15:32 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I find it hilarious how many people think the slowed-down Pelosi video is real. Now I'm beginning to understand what these people are all about.
←Rate | 05-24-2019 14:20 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Since when is a man, who only knows how to tear down others to make himself feel bigger, considered a huge role model???
←Rate | 05-24-2019 13:54 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Some people are as useless as an audiobook on sign language
←Rate | 05-24-2019 11:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I'm Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
←Rate | 05-23-2019 08:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is mad at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I *am* getting pretty tired of carrying it around all the time.
←Rate | 05-23-2019 08:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The police want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember sending them my resume.
←Rate | 05-23-2019 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Google, how about taking all those stupid ass fake trees off your maps so we can actually see what we want to see??
←Rate | 05-22-2019 12:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well slap my ass and call me a McDonald's ice cream machine, 'cause I'm broke.
←Rate | 05-22-2019 07:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I actually didn’t even know Aardvarks and rats could get married.
←Rate | 05-21-2019 17:59 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Girl: I really love being on the water. Me: Oh, you have a boat? Girl: No, I want you to buy one. Me:...bye.
←Rate | 05-21-2019 17:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thx for thinking of me Amazon, but I really only needed that one washing machine part, not one every time I log in...
←Rate | 05-21-2019 16:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I don't have anywhere else to be, and this bag of lettuce is really interesting. I'll read every word on the back of it and then I'll put it back on the shelf." . . The person in front of me at the grocery store
←Rate | 05-21-2019 12:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Where did we go wrong when in 1969 we could send a man all the way to the Moon and be in perfect contact with them, when in 2019 I cant walking to the next room without losing your cell phone signal.
←Rate | 05-21-2019 07:14 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.
←Rate | 05-20-2019 20:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I take all the credit when we win and blames all the losses on everyone else. That's what makes me normal.
←Rate | 05-20-2019 17:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon New strategy for college students: Incur as much debt as you can and hope some billionaire pays it off.
←Rate | 05-20-2019 15:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You are Dust, and unto Dust you shall return. That's why I don't dust my furniture. It might be someone I know.
←Rate | 05-20-2019 09:39 Comments (0)  


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