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Funny Status Messages for Facebook

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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X says This is no fairy tale, you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.
←Rate | 10-02-2014 00:33 Comments (0)

X Can some tell my wife......Crying is blackmailing Yes, of the simplest and most straightforward form.
←Rate | 10-02-2014 00:20 by Jitney Comments (0)

X says I don't have a "9-5".. I have a "When I open my eyes to when I close my eyes..."
←Rate | 10-01-2014 22:55 Comments (0)

X says 3 of the 5 personallys of mine are not getting along today
←Rate | 10-01-2014 21:39 by flipphonescott Comments (0)

X We will read all of your crappy Ebola posts with bloody tears in our eyes when 75 percent of us are dead 6 months from now.
←Rate | 10-01-2014 15:13 Comments (0)

X says I made an appointment to be cremated... alive. They wouldn't accept me. . .
←Rate | 10-01-2014 15:09 by JAB Comments (0)

X says I miss the life I planned in my head.
←Rate | 10-01-2014 14:08 Comments (0)

X says My contribution to mother earth is not to waste water cleaning glasses when I can drink straight from the bottle
←Rate | 10-01-2014 14:04 Comments (0)

X says Like a good neighbor,I don't really care.
←Rate | 10-01-2014 14:03 by Baddie Comments (0)

X says The last time I left my girlfriend it took her two weeks to notice I was gone. Next time I'm taking all her shoes with me.
←Rate | 10-01-2014 14:00 by Czovczov Comments (0)

X says Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
←Rate | 10-01-2014 13:59 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)

X says well since the Texas breakout Maybe I should go home sick with Ebola
←Rate | 10-01-2014 13:06 Comments (0)

X The dallas Ebola case turned out to be a false alarm. Apparently the person had just went to Taco Bell the night before.
←Rate | 10-01-2014 10:35 Comments (0)

X says Ladies, it's October, breast cancer awareness month, I'm giving free breast exams. . .
←Rate | 10-01-2014 06:55 by JAB Comments (0)

X says I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up. Britches love stitches.
←Rate | 10-01-2014 05:27 by andrew jackson Comments (0)

X says "Today Joseph cleaned the house, made dinner, and was really cool about some crazy news I had. Best. Husband. Ever." -If Mary had Facebook
←Rate | 10-01-2014 05:25 by andrew jackson Comments (0)

X says I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
←Rate | 10-01-2014 05:24 by huck Comments (0)

X says judging by the adds google has picked out for me I live a pretty crazy *ucking life
←Rate | 10-01-2014 00:48 by @terrychristo Comments (0)

X says I am dead to you, you, you and you and you , you, you, you and you, why are we here. . .
←Rate | 09-30-2014 22:32 by JAB Comments (0)

X If I were a QB in the NFL, I'd throw the ball as far as I can on every play... And do lots of hip thrusts... And wear my cup on the outside.
←Rate | 09-30-2014 18:16 by snotty Comments (0)


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