Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife's New Year's resolutions: 1. I will not nag my husband. 2. I will not boss my husband around. 3. I will obey my husband's every command.

   Facebook should have notifications like: "Karen and Steven took your post personal. Do you want to unfriend those people?"

   We would probably be better off if Y2K had actually destroyed all computers back in the year 2000

   Dear single women, please stop saying you should give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, please don't force an innocent cat to live with you.

   Old people at weddings always poke me and say, "You're next". So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.

   You can't explain something to people that don't even know which restroom to use.

   Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November. All the rest have thirty-one except for January, which has about 100.

   It’s better to poop in the sink, than to sink in the poop.

   What concert only costs 45 cents? Fifty cent featuring Nickleback.