Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon A curling iron is not effective at turning regular fries into curly fries. I know that now.
←Rate | 02-10-2016 06:45 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.
←Rate | 02-10-2016 04:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My husband told me to pick up some oil, now I know how guys feel in the tampon aisle.
←Rate | 02-10-2016 04:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Moms: I used to be cool and do cool things. Now I just argue with a smaller version of myself about how to use the toilet.
←Rate | 02-10-2016 04:24 Comments (0)  




   messageicon Ever accidently throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha. I did this with my life.
←Rate | 02-10-2016 00:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't wait to get to the part of my life where wearing suspenders with sweat pants is completely ok.
←Rate | 02-10-2016 00:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Google: You must be truly desperate to come to me for help.
←Rate | 02-10-2016 00:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Firtst World Problems in 2016: I want to start my meal, but can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat.
←Rate | 02-10-2016 00:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon List of things I am good at: 1. Petting dogs.....ya ummmm petting dogs.....
←Rate | 02-10-2016 00:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd rather have Samuel L. Jackson narrate my life. No offense, Morgan Freeman...my life just requires multiple uses of the word motherf*cker.
←Rate | 02-10-2016 00:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember when you had an appointment and got to leave during the middle of school, it was so triumphant like "Haha bye you f*ckers, I'm going to get my teeth cleaned and then eat McDonalds. Where you at?!?!"...
←Rate | 02-10-2016 00:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used this phrase, "Thanks for coming"....
←Rate | 02-10-2016 00:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fact: Historical pictures will look better with light sabers.
←Rate | 02-10-2016 00:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 23:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 1944: 18-year-olds storm beaches, jump from planes, charge into almost certain death. 2016: 18-year-olds need a safe place. Because words do hurt.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 23:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was like, "Whoa, taco-flavored yogurt"....
←Rate | 02-09-2016 23:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There has never been a saying more true in my life: You are not a third wheel! You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 23:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not saying kill all stupid people. I'm saying remove all warning labels from everything. The problem should sort itself out.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 23:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women won't date a guy that still lives with his Mom, but will date a guy thats still lives with his wife = But that's none of my business.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 23:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm always weirdly proud when my pee is clear. Like, hell ya, I'm so damn hydrated.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 23:37 Comments (0)  


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