Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tom Brady's retiring, again.

   Marriage tip: If your wife asks you if the outfit she's wearing makes her look fat, just tell her that if she ran at the gym like she ran her mouth at home, she wouldn't have to ask that question.

   Hippity hoppity your kneecaps are now my property 😃

   Question.. If you hit a person with an EV will you be charged for battery?

   Ok Jack Frost! You need to quit playing freeze tag with Elsa and Subzero from Mortal Kombat. Because you all keep missing each other, and it is starting to affect the rest of us.

   It's so cold out that you can milk a cow and get instant ice cream.

   Cleaning

   Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

   MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

   game over