Funny Status Messages for Facebook

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X says Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

X says No "It's not complicated". One of you is just a dumbass.

X says I brought my M16 in the house the other day and my father asked me what I was so afraid of, I answered "the d$mn Decepticons" I laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed , I shot the toaster...

X says Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional.

X Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.

X says I tried to commit suicide last night... but a well-hung pilot flew me to an island with 12 dudes.

X says I will follow anybody that's going to the liquor store.

X says Civilian justice: just saw a beautiful female cop make an illegal lane change, so I pulled her over and threw her in my dungeon.

X To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who's buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.

X says After random power outages happened throughout the city due to maintanence, thousands of city residents lined up to pay overdue electricity bills....well played Houston....well played

X says Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f cuk him...but I'm no expert, Joe."

X says "The world is full of nice people. If you can't find one, be one!"

X says Wrigley Field... this joke speaks for itself.

X says To all of those who think women should not be allowed to be together.....have never watched a good porno!!!

X says To all those who think should not be allowed to be together......have never watched a good prono

X says Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

X says What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

X says Sorry I punched you in the throat, but you looked like you were going to say something.

X says You look like the kind of guy who cries while masturbating to James Blunt songs.

X says If you wear camo gear and you're not in the woods I'm just going to assume you're hunting dignity.