Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Here kitty, kitty, kitty" - Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In high school, I was voted 'Who is that? Does she even go to our school? Never saw her before'
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Blind man walks into a bar.... And a table, and a chair.
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the women's ass.
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why are women like KFC? After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love every bone in your body, especially mine.
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball is a guy will actually search for a golf ball.
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances have small boobs.
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, What happened to you?
←Rate | 05-03-2016 02:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
←Rate | 05-03-2016 01:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just got a Congratulations message from facebook today, they said my block list has now exceeded my friends list...I wonder what I win lol
←Rate | 05-03-2016 00:35 by I'm not normal Comments (0)  

   messageicon ..... I used to think that somebody needed to give Obama a pink slip immediately ... Then I totally realized .... He already wears one!
←Rate | 05-02-2016 23:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon At my age,,, I'm not sure I'm up for learning a new microwave.
←Rate | 05-02-2016 20:54 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon DOCTOR: Your leg is broken... ME: So what happens now?.. Doc: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturally... HORSE: [sticks head round curtain]... WHAT?!!
←Rate | 05-02-2016 19:46 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon [At the park].... STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking... ME: Yeah, he's interbred... DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread?
←Rate | 05-02-2016 19:40 by Snotty Comments (0)  


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