Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When will fat women realize that fat isn't beautiful?

   Can't believe Gronk didn't wait until 6/9 to retire!

   What goes up,must come down. If it hasn't after 4 hours,consult your doctor .

   For a song called " piano man" dude with the harmonica won't shut the hell up

   My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles once . For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

   Here are 5 things you should know about me: 1. I’m very secretive

   Uh oh. My car's GPS asked me, "Who's Siri?"

   Beto is like the guy that gets cut from the High School football team and says now he's going to join the NFL

   My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.

   Life lesson 249: A short temper is not a sign of strength.

   Just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

   What's the dumbest thing you ever believed as a child? That people above 18 years of age are automatically adults.

   I put my fitbit on the refrigerator handle. Amazing, my daily activity has increased 10 fold....that's the ticket....

   My noise reduction feature on my new hearing aid dosen't work..... I can still hear my wife yapping.

   Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ?

   I'm holding a Twitter conspiracy meeting tonight. Don't tell Devin.

   ‪I need a tax person who’s not afraid of prison. ‬

   Mmmmmm, I want some hamberders.

   I'm Irish for a day.

   To celebrate St Patrick's Day, I think I'll go to my favorite Irish restaurant. McDonalds.