Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I’m that skint i’ve just opened door 15 on my advent calendar and a Bailiff was stood there
←Rate | 12-15-2017 12:51 by Giggles Comments (0)  

   messageicon Darth Vader: The first black guy to admit he's the father.
←Rate | 12-15-2017 11:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A friend with weed is a friend in need of rehab.
←Rate | 12-15-2017 11:39 by Mr.Conservative Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Meaning of Life is simply to give your Life Meaning.
←Rate | 12-15-2017 11:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My brother-in-law likes to brag how he always eats right, exercises, doesn't smoke or drink, sees his doctor every year for a checkup etc. I told him that someday he is going to look awful stupid lying in a hospital dying from nothing.
←Rate | 12-15-2017 08:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A Girl meets a Guy, and noticing his Bulging stomach she asks him, "Is this Carlberg or Heineken?" The guy looks at her and Replies, "Their is a tap underneath, you may come taste"
←Rate | 12-15-2017 06:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before we start having any hope for the future of humanity, we should really look into how Women park Cars
←Rate | 12-15-2017 06:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does this mean we'll have to pay more to access webpages that were free?
←Rate | 12-14-2017 18:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What people need are Café Mocha Marijuana Latte's. . .
←Rate | 12-14-2017 09:27 by JAB Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really it's coming on?
←Rate | 12-14-2017 09:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need a Café Mocha Valium Latte.
←Rate | 12-14-2017 09:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, if you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll tell you no and that you'll have to find another way to finance your kitchen remodeling project.
←Rate | 12-14-2017 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and also you'll have their shoes so they can't chase you.
←Rate | 12-14-2017 07:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:42 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:03 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?” Nooooo not at all, we all dump in the yard
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your boyfriend remembers your eye colour after the first date, then you probably have small B**Bs
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes
←Rate | 12-14-2017 05:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently NPR and PBS are filled with sexual perverts. God, I hope Cookie Monster is not involved
←Rate | 12-13-2017 22:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was downtown holding a sign that said looking for hookers, my sister-in-law came by and said, "What the hell are you doing", I said, "Going home now, cause I didn't expect one that cheap to show up"
←Rate | 12-13-2017 17:33 by MDS Comments (0)  


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