Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Mick Jagger a Father again? Really? Has he ever been a father before? I think s p e r m donor would be more appropriate
←Rate | 12-09-2016 15:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To go boxes are for pussies.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 14:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No People ... Contrary to the Main Stream Media reports .... the President Elect ... DID NOT ... appoint Bill Cosby as the new Secretary for Women's Rights.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 14:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 12:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We live in a curious time in history where for the first time parents send their children off to College and they return to us as mental toddlers.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 12:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon FINALLY!!! ..... I'm not being harassed incessantly by my family and coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was really rough back in July tho.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 12:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 11:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ... No people .... Trump did NOT pick El Chapo to head the DEA!!
←Rate | 12-09-2016 11:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Flat screens are nice and all, but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 10:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Casual Fridays? I'm holding out for Optional Fridays.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It always seems impossible until it's done
←Rate | 12-09-2016 08:04 by Payday Loans Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
←Rate | 12-09-2016 07:18 by Yaj Comments (0)  

   messageicon So, Mick Jagger is a new father at the age of 73. I guess time really is on his side.
←Rate | 12-09-2016 06:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it odd to anyone else that a telephone makes sound travel faster than the speed of sound?
←Rate | 12-09-2016 05:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ... Well ... Yes ... Technically ..... I do think that burning the American Flag is a form of Free Speech ...... All I ask is that you wrap yourself in it FIRST before setting it on fire ....
←Rate | 12-08-2016 22:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Presenter: And the Grammy, for biggest posse goes to...Ja Rule! Madonna: What!? Presenter: No Madonna, posse, posse. Madonna: Oh.
←Rate | 12-08-2016 19:32 Comments (1)  

   messageicon In high school, I wasn't the class clown. I was the class trapeze artist, because I was always suspended.
←Rate | 12-08-2016 12:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.
←Rate | 12-08-2016 09:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person Of The Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged...
←Rate | 12-08-2016 01:25 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? ... 'fo drizzle
←Rate | 12-07-2016 16:11 by Yaj Comments (0)  


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