Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon My neighbor, Jen, gave me a vitamin. Turns out it was a vitamin for women. I've been getting dressed for the past 2 hours and still can't find the right pair of shoes to match my pants.
←Rate | 05-24-2016 13:17 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon When s**t happens turn it into fertilizer.
←Rate | 05-24-2016 09:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.
←Rate | 05-24-2016 06:10 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yelp review: got murdered; would not recommend 🌟⭐⭐⭐⭐
←Rate | 05-24-2016 06:06 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon After watching last night's episode, I can't help but cry when I hold the door for somebody now.....
←Rate | 05-23-2016 21:52 by MJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon I rise and fall like water as I try to stay the same. The one thing thats certin is that everythig will change. How will I be rembered will my critics be unkind when I must leave this all behind.
←Rate | 05-23-2016 21:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always onclude specific instructions for handling your remains in your Will. Do you want them poured out during the final drop of Splash Mountain or along the entire ride?
←Rate | 05-23-2016 17:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My laptop just advised me to turn on my cookies So I sucked off a gingerbread man
←Rate | 05-23-2016 16:47 by @shanetoddgifts Comments (0)  

   messageicon life is short…smile while you still have teeth
←Rate | 05-23-2016 16:20 by Zinc Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bud Light; new can, same sucky beer...
←Rate | 05-23-2016 16:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Loves a man in uniform..Unless he appears in my rearview mirror.
←Rate | 05-23-2016 13:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Social Media: Proving Darwin was right, but in reverse.
←Rate | 05-23-2016 11:16 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon For every slice of cheese I cut for my sandwich, I eat a slice.... I feel like this is what God wants me to do.
←Rate | 05-22-2016 19:43 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
←Rate | 05-22-2016 13:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon PROVE IT - There is not a single religion on earth that can survive these two words.
←Rate | 05-22-2016 06:52 Comments (14)  

   messageicon The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
←Rate | 05-21-2016 13:30 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon People are so paranoid nowadays. They refuse to answer Knock-Knock jokes until I show some I.D.
←Rate | 05-21-2016 13:28 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.
←Rate | 05-21-2016 13:26 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"
←Rate | 05-21-2016 13:25 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.
←Rate | 05-21-2016 12:07 by Fazzella Comments (0)  


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