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Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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   messageicon *arrives at hospital carrying a tiny chair... " Ummmm, Yes,,,, Where would you like my stool sample?"
←Rate | 11-29-2015 18:13 by snotty Comments (0)

   messageicon "You promise you didn't get me bees again?"............ [me from a distance].... JUST OPEN IT
←Rate | 11-29-2015 18:05 by snotty Comments (0)

   messageicon I like big PUTTS & I can not lie,,, You other golfers can't deny,,, When a ball rolls in with a slow topspin & the caddy moves the pin, you get PAR
←Rate | 11-29-2015 17:51 by snotty Comments (0)

   messageicon NYC Detective: One of you is an octopus,,,, who is it?... *Everyone points at me.... Including Susan, with all eight of her arms*
←Rate | 11-29-2015 17:48 by snotty Comments (0)

   messageicon The Dallas Cowboys finally made it through a Sunday without losing.
←Rate | 11-29-2015 16:39 Comments (0)

   messageicon I tell God to stop the madness all the time but he doesn't seem to be paying attention. Maybe there's something far worse happening on one of his other BILLION planets that he's needed at more.
←Rate | 11-29-2015 15:54 Comments (0)

   messageicon Anyone who kills someone over a belief is a terrorist.
←Rate | 11-29-2015 15:52 Comments (0)

   messageicon Conservatives have you to believe that Planned Parenthood is only about abortions, but it's about a lot more. If you are against abortion don't get one.
←Rate | 11-29-2015 15:47 Comments (0)

   messageicon The Dallas Cowboys today announced Al Bundy as their new starting Quarterback.
←Rate | 11-29-2015 13:07 Comments (0)

   messageicon Just tried to make out with my wife on the couch. It was like trying to give a cat a bath.
←Rate | 11-29-2015 12:41 Comments (0)

   messageicon ***LATEST SOCIAL MEDIA GAME~~~ Inbox me your Bank Account or Credit Card number (be sure to give me the expiration date and 3 digit security code) and I will post in my status which bill or Christmas gift I used it for. Let's play!!!
←Rate | 11-29-2015 12:35 by svaldez187 Comments (0)

   messageicon I know why blacks are always would be too if you had to go through life with a wad of pubic hair on top of your head.
←Rate | 11-29-2015 12:00 Comments (0)

   messageicon Every conservative who circulated the evil lie that Planned Parenthood “sells baby parts” shares responsibility for the Colorado attack. Murder by proxy, blood is on their hands
←Rate | 11-29-2015 11:48 Comments (2)

   messageicon Kudos to all the GOP Presidential candidates for their 2 days of silence regarding the shooting victims
←Rate | 11-29-2015 11:39 Comments (0)

   messageicon Women should stay home and make babies...preferably man child
←Rate | 11-29-2015 11:28 by MWC Comments (0)

   messageicon Heavy D: Now that we found love, what are we gonna do with it? Scientist: Containment protocol, we can't have everybody catching feelings.
←Rate | 11-29-2015 11:26 Comments (0)

   messageicon On a scale of Bruno Mars to Wesley Snipes, how dark do you want your coffee?
←Rate | 11-29-2015 11:25 Comments (0)

   messageicon Cocaine so white, it quietly forms a single file line.
←Rate | 11-29-2015 11:13 Comments (0)

   messageicon White folks dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
←Rate | 11-29-2015 10:47 Comments (0)

   messageicon Don't take life laying down. That is, unless you're a prostitute. . .
←Rate | 11-29-2015 10:12 by JAB Comments (0)


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