Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon What's that electral dysfunction commercial that says "Call a doctor if you have a painful election lasting more than four hours"?...who do you call if it lasts a whole year? Oh wait it wasn't an election...oops never mind ;)
←Rate | 10-24-2016 14:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So broke this year that i'm having a Thanksgiving Chicken instead...
←Rate | 10-24-2016 14:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like's your idea"
←Rate | 10-24-2016 10:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I say let the liberals have all the abortions, free birth control, and gay marriages they want. If they don't repoduce they will soon cease to exist.
←Rate | 10-24-2016 09:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hillary doesn't suck, it's all those people who support her that suck!
←Rate | 10-23-2016 23:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Does anybody out there know the co-ordinates of all of the Nudist Colonies on earth? Or at least a few?
←Rate | 10-23-2016 20:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have six locks installed on my door all in a row so that when I go out, I lock every other one. That way I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
←Rate | 10-23-2016 20:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently something has seriously gone wrong with my financial goals ... Evidently I am now on some kind of get rich slow scheme.
←Rate | 10-23-2016 20:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
←Rate | 10-23-2016 20:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to roll out of bed asleep a lot until I found Viagra
←Rate | 10-23-2016 18:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I came here for the funny, Maybe something punny, But all we get is Trump and Hillary, All too much political shillary. Come on folks, Lets return to the jokes!
←Rate | 10-23-2016 18:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Meh,,, I guess I'm not against Hillary Clinton taking a drug test?... I'm MORE concerned about the GOP taking a drug test for allowing Donald Trump to be the nominee.
←Rate | 10-23-2016 13:02 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donald Trump has outlined what he will during the first 100 days in office. Stomp around muttering , " Fking bi**h, it should have been me "
←Rate | 10-23-2016 02:35 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon So, If the media doesn't cover Hillary Clinton's emails because they say they are Private Conversations, Do they believe Donald Trump consented to have his conversations recorded and saved for future use by NBC? Just wondering.
←Rate | 10-23-2016 01:32 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you are a true Democrat, you must first ignore ALL of Hillary Clinton's lies, Corruption and Scandals ... THEN ... Go vote for her because of your perception of .... What the "Good" of the country is.
←Rate | 10-23-2016 01:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wife: OMG that sex was amazing!... Husband: I swapped my Viagra with junior's ADHD meds... Wife: That explains the call I got from school today
←Rate | 10-22-2016 20:49 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
←Rate | 10-22-2016 20:45 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon [Juice Bar]...... (Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass.... (Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back "sir"..... *hyenas laugh*
←Rate | 10-22-2016 20:36 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.
←Rate | 10-22-2016 19:28 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon The mainstream media: Covers up vast conspiracies?... Rigs national elections?... Has mind control powers?... Can't convince people to pay $29.99 for cable
←Rate | 10-22-2016 19:26 by snotty Comments (0)  


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