Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday, I left work pretending to be sick. Today, two colleagues didn't show up, claiming they caught it from me. Freaking liars!

   I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. And I hope you have a happy today too.

   Before Walmart existing you would have to buy a ticket to see a bearded lady

   At this age my biggest fashion question or fashion rule is… Can I nap in it?

   I don’t understand plant-based burgers. It’s like vegetarians are saying “this tastes like a cow because cows are delicious”

   I'm about to start telling folks different stories about my life. So when they get together to gossip, they just end up arguing.

   If medicine worked you wouldn't need to refill your prescription... If food worked you wouldn't have to keep eating. Not all medicines are cures, some prevent things.

   I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

   Maybe money can't buy happiness, but I think it's only fair to give me some and let me learn that lesson myself.

   I remember the last gal I picked up from the bar.... not a beauty but not ugly either. I mean she was covered with ten foot pole marks....