Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial Day weekend everyone!!

   What has this world come into? Pastor arrested for selling tickets to heaven.

   Friday question: what's the best food to take to an orgy?

   I find it hilarious how many people think the slowed-down Pelosi video is real. Now I'm beginning to understand what these people are all about.

   Since when is a man, who only knows how to tear down others to make himself feel bigger, considered a huge role model???

   Some people are as useless as an audiobook on sign language

   I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I'm Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

   My wife is mad at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I *am* getting pretty tired of carrying it around all the time.

   The police want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember sending them my resume.

   Hey Google, how about taking all those stupid ass fake trees off your maps so we can actually see what we want to see??

   Well slap my ass and call me a McDonald's ice cream machine, 'cause I'm broke.

   I actually didn’t even know Aardvarks and rats could get married.

   Girl: I really love being on the water. Me: Oh, you have a boat? Girl: No, I want you to buy one. Me:...bye.

   Thx for thinking of me Amazon, but I really only needed that one washing machine part, not one every time I log in...

   "I don't have anywhere else to be, and this bag of lettuce is really interesting. I'll read every word on the back of it and then I'll put it back on the shelf." . . The person in front of me at the grocery store

   Where did we go wrong when in 1969 we could send a man all the way to the Moon and be in perfect contact with them, when in 2019 I cant walking to the next room without losing your cell phone signal.

   I was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

   I take all the credit when we win and blames all the losses on everyone else. That's what makes me normal.

   New strategy for college students: Incur as much debt as you can and hope some billionaire pays it off.

   You are Dust, and unto Dust you shall return. That's why I don't dust my furniture. It might be someone I know.