timk Funny Status Messages

   Does anyone know when the Christmas Tree lighting ceremony is set for Ferguson this year?

   I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.

   I'm Amish but, I consider myself extreme Amish because I use electric.

   The amount of money you'd need to donate to ALS for me to do the Ice bucket challenge this time of year would cure ALS.

   Next time I make a comment about an ugly Christmas sweater I'm going to make sure there is a party going on. Another life lesson learned!

   I lost my "Shweaty balls" recipe. I'm sure I'll find it after I go to the gym tomorrow.

   Don't get too excited about Die-ins. They're not really dead! They're just acting like they can't take orders from police.

   New Year, New Me!!! my @ss, woke up and it's still the same me.

   Now that I failed with this year's New Year's resolutions I can get on with the rest of it guilt free.

   Patriots better deflate that frigging ball or they are going to be in trouble.

   Huge Star Wars fan, Can't imagine a world without Spock.

   I wonder if Hillary has any stains on her pants suits.

   Now that everyone has cameras you'd think there would be more pictures of UFOs, Bigfoots, ghosts, etc.

   Seeing eye Pit Bulls. They're for rough neighborhoods.

   According to Monster.com there is a ton of openings in the Baltimore department tourism.

   Nothing say's "Happy Mother's Day" like a uterus shaped pizza!

   Hey protesters, they ran out of participation medals. GO HOME, there is nothing for you.

   Defense attorney: "They were on their way to choir practice".

   I'm watching the hurricane coverage on the weather channel. I hate to be insensitive but, can anyone really pay attention to what the officials are saying when the sign language lady is flailing about?