randizzle Funny Status Messages

   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

   n't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

   Men expecting regular women to act like porn stars is similar to women expecting men to act like the sensitive hunks in romantic comedies.

   There is no I in UGLY but there is a U!

   Yes I know that "IMHO" means "In my humble opinion." In my humble opinion you are calling yourself a ho every time I read it.

   Those 7 dwarfs mine 100 karat diamonds all day and still live in a $hitty little cottage. What the hell are they saving up for?

   I wonder if tennis ballboys brag about their "gets" to each other. "You see that? I grabbed the $hit out of that ball! School's in session, boys. I am lightning!"

   I'm always caught a little off guard when an airport security checkpoint worker shows symptoms of having a personality.

   At the end of each work day, I have a strong urge to sidekick the elevator down button, suppressed only by my desire to maintain employment

   I've learned that if you say you're a bad liar, you can pretty much lie about anything.

   I'm pretty sure if I washed my face like the girls on face wash commercials, my roommates would be really pissed about the puddles all over the bathroom floor.

   Sometimes I give my kids random punishments and when they ask why I tell them, "You know what you did!" When they don't argue back I know it was justified.

   To the producers of Tylenol cherry-flavored cough syrup, HAVE you ever tasted a cherry before??

   I can only listen to you cybergripe about your problems for so long before I expect a pic of your boobs as payment for my services.

   I remember when the phrase "I'm completely bald" only referred to your head.

   It disturbs me that my boss, the guy who controls whether or not I keep my job, has one of those magic 8 balls on his desk.

   When a girl gives me a hug, my hands envy my chest.

   The nutritional facts on a box should just tell you the amount of exercise needed to burn off what you're about to eat.

   I appreciate that Motel 6 will leave the light on for me, because otherwise, I'm certain I would be murdered in their parking lot.

   If only those tight shirts with the bedazzled wings on the back that some guys wear would allow them to fly far, far away, the world just might be a better place.