plexking Funny Status Messages

   I've heard of women that aren't crazy ... but I've also heard of unicorns, so whatever...

   Stop referring to yourself as a "woman with curves" when in reality you're a "woman with fat rolls."

   Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?

   I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."

   Sorry, I'm not tall enough to ride your emotional roller coaster ...

   it rude to throw a breathmint in someone's mouth while they are talking??

   I wish I knew what kind of withdrawals I'm having right now so I could focus more on that particular drug.

   Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.

   That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there's no milk so you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?

   What's the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other one is a walrus.

   Talking to some people is like having to slap an old TV a few times to get the picture.

   So there I was, wanking myself off, when suddenly I thought "This prostitute is lazy".

   If people winked as much in real life as they do in text, this world would be a really creepy place.

   I don't understand why mothers say, "I just had a newborn baby." If you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just pushed a 2 month old out your crotch.

   I always have sex with the front door open, So I can give Jehovas something to witness.

   I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullshit.