otis Funny Status Messages

   nearly 500 million eggs recalled, I'd hate to be the guy who has to put them back in the chickens.

   says, if Renea would just watch porn with me, she would understand why I made her buy roller skates and why we have 20 gallons of chocolate pudding in the fridge

   caught sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets. Now I'm gounded.

   Social Security checks are go paperless. Cause if the is something senior citizens are good at it's online banking.

   So Apple makes the iphone larger, the ipad smaller (ipad mini) why not just switch names on them and call it a day?

   u guys should be able to charge $ for making the rest of us who copy ur posts look funny. but dont charge me, it was my idea.

   Any hedge can be a maze if your drunk enough.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''Okay''?

   Happy birthday to the microwave oven. As The very first domestic model was introduced 58 years ago today, by the Tappan stove company in Mansfield, Ohio.Formally known as Tappan @ss LLC.

   Bong Bowl is on! Just don't drink the water

   I suggest FB replace the "Like" button with "OMAHA!!"

   Due to the recent out break of Norovirus. Royal Caribbean will be changing ships name to Exploader of the Sea.

   going for shots this morning. the dogs are getting rabies and I'm getting starbucks

   It's my birthday on St Patrick's Day and I'm gonna be drunk all weekend! LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE!

   What does Obamacare and Obama's NCAA bracket have in common? They are both busted.

   Photo bombing is all fun and games until terrorists start doing it.

   I won't be impressed with technology until I can download beer.

   they found the body of the guy who stole all the celebrity's nude photos. Apparently he has been high fived to death.

   Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer was arrested Wednesday for domestic violence, according to reports. Let's see, we have Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice and now this idiot accused of domestic violence. Is this a running back thing?

   When I got the decorations out of the attic yesterday REAL spiders started coming out of the containers.... Well played Halloween, well played.