eviLyyaR Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes when I get lonely I lie on Facebook and tell everyone to text me cuz I lost my phone.

   My life coach just asked me to leave because apparently she has "other pedicures to do" and doesn't "speak English"!

   I get nervous after taking time off work that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.

   Almost made a citizens arrest today on the grounds of you being a douche bag. In the end I only walked behind you and stepped on your heels.

   Fortune cookie said to go ahead with any new schemes. Dining and ditching then seemed justifiable.Why dish it out if you cant take it Mings?

   The worst thing you can say to a white girl is a toss up between "Gwyneth Paltrow would hate you if she knew you" & "Your ankles are thick."

   Judging by my friends getting married, finding your soulmate must make you fat.

   Hey, Apple: Don't waste my time with this iPhone 5S unless it's learned that nobody's ever typing "ducking he'll."

   The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

   My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

   One man’s trash is another man’s daughter.

   In my opinion, my opinion is so much better than your opinion!

   We’re all photogenic on the millionth try!

   I play hopscotch all the time! I also play hopvodka, hoprum, and hoptequila.

   Piss me off and I'll put you on my kid's school fundraiser mailing lists