downey Funny Status Messages

   they make veggie meatloaf?.... Yeah, better wash that down with a warm O'douls

   whats the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered womens shelter? The dishes if she knows what good for her!

   I recently started to grow a beard, and I gotta tell ya... I feel way cooler already

   Music now a days sucks....Jim Morrison, dead; Kurt Cobain, dead; Biggie, dead; Justin Beiber, healthy as a god damn mule!

   Gonna get a softball team going and name ourselves "off constantly". That way if we lose a game, we could still have the satisfaction of listening our opponents try to brag about beating off constantly..

   ..that WINNING but than instant LOSER feeling you get when a girl sends you a sexy pic, and you look at the message details only to find that their are 9 other numbers above yours...awkward...

   They say good things come to those who wait, so it looks like ima be bout an hour late ;)

   I'm not a proctologist...but I know an A**HOLE when I see one

   Ask me about our "blowj*bs for drinks program"

   3 man code violations to report this week..1) seen a guy drinkin a can a diet pepsi with a straw 2) heard that two guys rode to work together on the same motorcycle 3) seen a guy driving a mini van with a doo rag on

   it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting them.

   Dear Gain, You need to come up with a laundry soap that will wash the disappointment out of my sheets after a regretful one night stand.. Work on that. Sincerly, Every Guy in America

   that awkward moment when she catches you trying to take a pic of her, and you have to pretend to be texting someone...

   After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

   If Tiger Woods and Jesse James are back to dating already, then I don't see any reason why Michael Vick can't get another puppy.

   I watch truTV and CSI so much that I even wipe my fingerprints off the remote after I turn off the TV.

   Got a flannel shirt for the 9th Fathers Day in a row... Thanks honey, cant wait to see what you get me next year!

   I went to the store and got me some Oreo's. As I was walking back to my car I saw a friend who told me that it was his birthday today...so for the 1st time ever, without being sarcastic, I was able to say "What...Do you want a cookie or something?"

   my phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass? I guess this think really is a smartphone

   next time you go through the drive-thru at McD, order a burger and say "can you please hold the pickle" in a sexy voice... trust me, it's worth it!