barber Funny Status Messages

   opening cerimonies=epic fail...they should have got larry the cableguy.

   Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family

   I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method

   Officer You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my cell phone.

   I miss the good ole days when all the children were kept in factories.

   Great just great...my wife left the seat warmer on in the car now I have to walk around with swamp butt

   i tell the girl at el charros I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all

   I went to the zoo to see if we really are related to monkeys, and one of them threw poo at me. That’s my cousin jim bob alright

   1/3 of the world is going crazy killing each other tonight, 1/3 of the nerds are looking for pokemon, 1/3 of women are rubbing their poor children in essential oils and I'm just laying on the couch wondering how I ran out of Oreos.

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   If any toys in Toy story died the kids would keep playing with them but the other toys would be playing with their dead friends.......creepy

   "If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture."

   I hate when I pack on an extra twenty pounds for an upcoming movie roll and then I remember I'm not an actor.

   A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.

   Do Millennial kids just trick or treat online?

   To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?

   I guess I should watch the Grammys to see who our next President will be.

   instead of clapping at the state of the union they should yell "Dilly Dilly"

   And just like that kids at the stroke of midnight on August 31 all the girls ears wiggled and BAM Pumpkin spice everywhere!