Vito Funny Status Messages

   Can't find Sesame Street on his GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?

   This weekends forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...It's Sunday.

   I wonder if the The Pillsbury Doughboy gets pissed if you poke him on Facebook?

   Walked by A Maternity Clothes Store today and there was a "Please Come Inside" sign on the door. Duh, Why do you think they need Maternity Clothes

   I just accidentally dropped a bowling ball on my bed and my wine glass fell over. I wish I had Tempur-pedic bed

   Help! My Chia Pet is sick and I'm not sure if I should bring it to the Vet or the Florist?

   I think I need to start doing pullups to get more of the ladies attention. Pull up in a Benz, Pull up in a Vette, Pull up in a Beamer....

   I just busted my Gold Fish smoking seaweed. No wonder he was always hungry and paranoid.

   Yo Mama is so fat! She uses an iPad as an iPhone.

   Every day is Fat Tuesday for me because I'm Fat =(

   Drinking Heinekin Light and Eating Fat Free Doritos. Gotta get ready for beach season!

   If my neighbors dont tone it down a little bit, I am going to have to change my WiFi network name to "I can hear you having sex".

   Hoarders is on tonite. I like that show because it makes me feel like I'm tidy

   Heading out to do laundry with a roll of quarters in my pocket. I hope I dont run into anyone I am happy to see.

   I just bumped into a guy wearing a camouflage jacket. I really didn't see him.

   I just told a lie and now my pants feel warm. I hope they dont catch fire!

   So it turns out that "The Love Shack" does, indeed, turn up on your bank statement.

   A horse told me not to drive home last night.I think there was a cop on top of it.

   I cut myself shaving this morning. Now I'm walking with a limp.