SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I guess what I'm proudest of is my ability to make the tough choices in hypothetical situations.

   Whoever wants to kill Casey Anthony, should probably do so in Florida.

   Laters FB... I'm tired of sharing my opinions And liking everybody's sh!t......and Pokin' folks I hardly even know... Peace Out! I'll do all that sh!t to y'all tomorrow.

   I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like all this invisible sh!t.

   It must really suck to be a podium salesman. "Are your arms tired out from holding five pieces of paper?" You need a podium!

   Disclaimer: I'm really bad at judging what size Tupperware container leftovers will fit in.

   My refrigerator is like a condiment time capsule.

   "Use As Directed" is just a personal challenge to my creativity.

   When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane...

   My brain returns to its default settings every ten minutes.

   When I see someone driving the same car I'm driving, I always peer in to make sure it's not me from another dimension.

   Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.

   In real life, I never know when danger is coming because the music doesn't change.

   I'd like to drink less alcohol but I don't want to murder my family with a hammer.

   When you text someone "are you still sleeping" you might as well text "wake up a$$hole."

   Everyone has the one mysterious toothbrush in the bathroom that nobody in your house uses or knows anything about.

   The two words that get me in the most trouble are "Why Not?"

   Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

   When your computer asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions you've made.

   I joke around a lot .... but when I'm serious I'm serious cuz seriousness is the serious way to deal with serious seriosities seriositating in the seriousosphere. Seriously.