Phire Funny Status Messages

   if you're ever feeling down just remeber: you were that ONE sperm that made it.

   I hired Helen Waite as my assistant. So if you need anything from me you must go to Helen Waite.

   considered being a stay-at-home mom but then I found out the kids would be there too.

   Been on hold so long I forgot who I called. Got a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   wondering who left the bag of idiots open.

   all I want is a comfy bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   I didn't outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.

   You moon the wrong person at the office as a joke just once, and suddenly you're not "professional" anymore.

   thinks the fastest way to being happy is to make others happy. You go first.

   Man made alcohol, God made marijuana, who are you going to trust?

   Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

   If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "sh**" and "syphilis

   thinks you should NEVER look down on someone...unless you have a clear view of cleavage.

   tired of all the emails I keep getting on how to enlarge my p*nis, especially since I am a woman, so I have forward them to my exhusband

   just saw an ugly, pregnant woman and thought, "Good for you."

   thinks you should probably just let your "Honor Roll" student drive, cause you're very obviously an idiot.

   if you listen to the Charlie Sheen interview backwards you can hear Gaddafi laughing at Bambi dying.

   Dear man at the gas station, I admire how your mustache begins with your nose hairs.

   loves Ben & Jerry's ice cream but this new "Schweddy Balls" flavor is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.