MyClueIs Funny Status Messages

   It really upset me when I heard that Justin Bieber was anti-abortion, because it meant I had to rearrange my top 10 list of things I care least about.

   Driving home late, uncomfortable, cold, music blaring: About to fall asleep. Finally home, comfortable, quiet, in bed: Wide awake and posting on facebook.

   If aliens learn about us from our TV broadcasts then they'll come here expecting 90% of the population to work in hospitals or be in law enforcement.

   Putting a loud muffler on your car is like putting a rolled up sock in your pants; You're trying to make something seem bigger than it really is.

   How am I supposed to be inpressed by a computer winning at Jeopardy when Google usually knows what I'm looking for after 2 letters?

   Finding out someone still used dial-up is like finding out they had a recent death in the family. "You gotta see this video.. you.. oh, god man, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Let me know if you need anything, ok?"

   I'm about to make like the FCC and get the *bleep* outta here.

   His speech was long and awkward like the line for the women's bathroom at a transgender convention.

   February is Irony Month! I'm celebrating Irony Month by treating everyone equally, just like I do every month, because we're all human.

   There are two types of people: Those who try to boil water in their toaster, and cowards.

   Hey old guy, could you possibly smell more like mothballs? Are you carrying some on you right now? Is your bedroom like a McDonald's ball pit, just filled to the waist with moth balls?

   I let my fists do the talking. And by fists I mean mouth. And by talking I mean sandwich eating.

   My favorite pickup line: Hey, what's your address, and are you a light sleeper?

   I was upset when I heard that Justin Beiber got a haircut because it meant I was gonna have to rearrange my "Top ten things I care least about" list.

   Oatmeal raisin cookies are only eaten when mistaken for chocolate chip.