Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   When you find the right person, you shouldn't even be able to tell the difference between being "single" or in a "relationship". That's the key. 

   Am I REALLY the only person who thought that the national anthem's opening line was "Jose can youuu see!"  up until last year? Seriously?!!

   Sad thing about the Twitter and Facebook youth = Draw Something lasted longer than #Kony2012 

   When I'm bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it's filthy down here. PS: I love you."

   I decided to follow my dreams and it led me to a casino, then to 4 bars, an hour ago I was in a gun shop and now I'm in front of a bank.

   This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him "You passed my house, let me out" & he's all like "Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication."

   People say that my analogies are as bad as a candle on a forklift.

   Ladies. Want to know if you're pretty? If a male cop has ever given you a ticket, then no, you're not.

   I hate people who can't make up their minds. I love them.

   I'm trying to explain to this cop that I was tweeting while driving, not texting. He still wants to know why I'm driving naked.

   The fact that the voice in my head yells whenever I read something thats in all capital letter kinda DISTURBS ME.

   If ur Cinco de mayo didnt end wearing a pirate costume bein chased down the street by Dog The Bounty Hunter, then yours wasnt as fun as mine

   I keep a baseball bat under my bed just incase someone breaks into my house while I'm sleeping and throws a baseball at me

   Boss: You drunk? Me: No I'm totally "sober" Him: Did you do air quotes when you said sober? Me: What? No. Look, I need to get back to "work"

   People who over exaggerate literally make me want to shoot myself in the face 287 billion times.

   Fun Fact: the seven letters of "rainbow" stand for the different colors! Red, arange, iellow, neen, blue, ondigo, and wiolet. I'm drunk.

   it true that every girl is a patron bottle away from a lesbian experience? Because they have that sh!t on sale at Costco right now.

   The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion didn't have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

   THEY'RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU'RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU'RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags? Ok, maybe I don't know what the word ‘ironic' means.