Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   Magic Mike...50 Shades of Grey...I knew I should have bought stock in Duracell this year.

   Understanding is what allows someone like me to tolerate someone like you.

   I hate when movies say "May contain nudity." Well does it doesn't it? I don't want to waste my time.

   It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day... Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been misinterpreting it all these years!!

   Jeez. There is no reason to tailgate me in the SLOW LANE. Especially when I'm doing 20 kph over the limit anyways. And those stupid ricer flashing red and blue lights on your roof make you look ridiculous.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! Proof that even chickens believe in an afterlife.

   Women are like snowflakes. They can't drive.

   I can already tell December 21st will be the most annoying day in Facebook history.

   C'mon Lotto! I just want to be rich enough for Morgan Freeman to follow me around and narrate my life in real time.

   Well...this apocalypse is off to a slow start...can't believe I shaved my balls for this.

   My favourite Christmas song is the one about baby Jesus passing gas. Forgot what it's called but the main chorus is "Do you hear what I hear?"

   9 1/2 months from now there are gonna be a lot of babies born...suckers.

   Found the perfect stocking stuffer. Someone threw away a perfectly good prosthetic leg in the dumpster.

   If your spouse was there for you when you were broke, and they were there for you when you lost your job, and they were there for you when the bank took your house, you should probably get a divorce and look for a new spouse because this one is bad luck.

   My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.

   What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and becomes immortal. Is it Commando Friday yet?

   It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.

   Wife said she needs a break from picking up my socks on the floor. Fine with me...I also have 12 pairs of underwear.

   Went for a romantic walk in the woods last night. Well, I called it romantic. She called it stalking.

   My potatoes bring all the Irish to the yard and they're like, that famine was hard.