Gabe Funny Status Messages

   So. I don't see you for months and now you pop up and expect me to take care of you?? OK, fine. I'll start up the mower....stupid grass...

   Hey! There's a new 90 minute comedy/variety show that starts tonight at 9pm! I believe it's called 'Fun with Mitt and Barack'... I don't know though, bet it gets cancelled after 3 shows...

   So, Los Angeles wants Meatless Monday... and probably followed by Tater Tot Tuesday and Weinerless Wednesday...

   I want so bad to post a Kim and Kanye joke, but it would be off color and in the wrong direction...

   After visiting the gov't healthcare site, I don't know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...

   Finally! A White House official was fired! A Benghazi official? No... IRS? No... Fast and Furious? Over the AP or James Rosen? HHS? No, no, no, and no. Jofi Joseph, fired for having a fake twitter acct.How dare he!

   So the CIA had a secret compound at Gitmo named "Strawberry Fields"? "Poppy Fields" would be a more appropriate name...

   In World Cup news, the England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6...

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia...

   Apparently both Bill and Hillary like private servers...

   I got the kids Frozen yesterday... and the sperm bank only charged me $100 for doing it...

   If everyday is a gift then today was socks...

   I just found out ISIS has been using porn sites to send subliminal messages! This explains my urge to run out and buy fertilizer every day...

   "We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.

   The fact that we have to buy trash bags just to throw those same bags in the trash is why I'm angry today...

   I was told I would understand when I got older. Well, I'm older and still don't understand...

   Gov't shutdown? Yippee! I'm collecting rainwater for my garden before they reopen and fine me!!

   The GOP memo is out and it said the groundhog saw it's shadow which means one more year of Trump aaaannnndddd I don't know what the hell I'm talking about....

   My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...

   Did you know you don't need a parachute to skydive? You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice...