Derek Funny Status Messages

   my dog is the best at playing dead....he's been doing it for six weeks. he's good.

   Hello. My answers to yesterday's msgs, in order of their arrival. Yes. Tomorrow at 5pm. Duct tape & piano wire. Tonight's safety word will be banana. No. TY

   Was once told that you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one...by the time I realized it was a figure of speech... She had already hit the ground.

   working up one hell of a sweat by wearing my "Snuggie" while using "Shakeweights", thank God for "Shamwow" to mop up this mess.

   locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

   If it's broken, fix it. If it's lost, find it. If it's loud turn it down. If it's hot, cool it off. If it burns when you pee, call all of your exes

   figured out that the shin bone is intended for finding furniture in a dark room.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil

   I put Red Bull in my coffe pot this morning instead of water. I'm so wired I can see noises...

   To all the women I have slept with, I have herpes....and you thought I'd forget you on Valentine's Day

   My son asked why women wear white at weddings. I said "Its always better if the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator. "

   I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.

   I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet

   These kids on MasterChef Junior are incredible! I think I'm creative when I add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich.