DeAdMaN Funny Status Messages

   People piss me off like the ones who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

   Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a Jedi Master and use the force to open automatic doors like at walmart.

   My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

   Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

   Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

   A pedestrian just hit me and went under my car.

   For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

   I quit my job at the compass factory, I just felt like I needed to go in a new direction.

   Holding ALT and pressing F4 will fix all of your facebook problems...Your Welcome :)

   I'm glad thought bubbles aren't visible, or else people would think I'm a complete psychopath,

   It'll be 100 years since the R.M.S Titanic sank in five days. Some of the wealthiest people died that day. It was also Tax Deadline Day? Someone didn't pay their taxes......

   Scientists are trying to find new ways to deflect asteroids in case one gets close to hitting Earth. My theory is putting a Cubs uniform on the asteroid would render it incapable of hitting anything.

   I hope one day The Rock opens a restaurant so I can finally smell......What the Rock is cooking.

   America is no longer the fattest country in the world. That honor belongs to Mexico now. In other news the Twinkie is making an historic comeback. Well played Mexico, Well played indeed!

   Fred Durst is directing a commercial for the dating site eHarmony. If he doesn't use the slogan "Do It For The Nookie" I will be highly disappointed.

   So who is going to go see Jaws 19 in 3d with me tonight?

   Water polo? How do they prevent the horses from drowning?