Dave Funny Status Messages

   cooler then the other side of the pillow

   masticating in a crowded restaurant.

   his HOME button must be broken. I keep pressing it but I'm still at work.

   walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... In Morse code

   My car keys are kicking my ass at hide and seek.

   I'm pretty damn sure that Starbucks has no idea we're in a recession.

   If the 'Dog Whisperer' were to be found out to be an illegal, and the boys from 'Cops' were after him, and he ran and hid in the woods, then the K-9 unit let the dogs loose ......now THAT'S a TV show I'd actually watch through the commercial breaks.....

   Having sex is like playing poker. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

   Eskimos supposedly have 52 words for snow. That's weird, so does Charlie Sheen.

   My kitchen smells like Ke$ha. (Tequila, lime and fish.)

   Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....

   hanging out with Waldo.......Try to find me!

   Just Heard Donald Sterling is planning on buying the Boston Bruins once he sells the Clippers!

   I'm from England and have no idea who ray rice is....

   I just got a job in a reggae band playing the triangle, I just stand at the back n ting

   John Kellogg (the cereal tycoon) founded the Race Betterment Foundation, an organization which planned to sterilize minorities in the U.S.

   What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A lift

   The local car wash had a special "Brazilian Wax", now my car's carpet is gone....

   why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances