Daheavy1 Funny Status Messages

   Red cups..helping the youth get their buzz on for over 30 years

   I wonder if Busta Rhymes texts with no spaces...

   Any post that doesn't have to do with Dumbo is simply irrelephant

   it rude to give a copy of photoshop at a baby shower? It's just that I know what both parents look like they're gonna need it

   Going to dress up as Maury Povich for Halloween and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.

   In hell, you have to find the start to scotch tape over and over

   I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting

   How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "911"?

   I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke...?

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you

   Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising

   Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons

   Thank you: 'hard taco shells', for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking at the moment I put something inside you.

   If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman

   My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name

   7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.

   If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

   Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police

   I'm white. But I'm not NASCAR fan white.

   If a telemarketer calls give the phone to your 3 yr old, and tell them its Santa Clause