Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says, ”Every time I suck William's c*ck I get acid indigestion”. The Queen replies, ”Have you tried Andrews?”

   If I select the "Advance Pat Down" option instead of the Full Body Scanner, do I get some Barry White music and a nice glass of Merlot?

   Wow!! Tension's in Korea is increasing. Rumor has it that France has already offered to surrender........

   What are you doing? Come on over, we're going to grill some steaks and drink wine. Pick up some steaks and wine on your way.

   Girlfriend's parents gave me a Best Buy gift card, which will be turned into a video game that causes me to ignore her for the next 30 days.

   How many times do you have to pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   Here's the thing about work: I really don't feel like doing any.

   I'm so glad my car has that alarm for when I don't have my seatbelt on that reminds me to turn my radio up.

   What if they read a list of everything you've ever typed into Google before entering Heaven...

   Thanks to M&M ads, I constantly hear tiny screams whenever I eat them.

   Dogs may have an incredible sense of smell, but they have a terrible sense of whether that smell is good or bad.

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   Bucket list #17 - boxing a kangaroo.

   decided to burn lots of calories today.....so I set a fat kid on fire. :)

   my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I replied "space". Was that wrong?

   "Real, Recognize Real, And I Can't See Or Hear None Of Yall." -Helen Keller

   Goodbye mistletoe belt bucket....hello mistletoe boxer shorts.

   Does the Advance Pat Down come with an happy ending?

   @ TSA: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants. Grope discounts available.