Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I prefer the button fly. That is one place on my wardrobe I do not need sharp interlocking metal teeth.

   My wife doesn't have a mean bone in her body. More like dorman with rage bones that surface late at night when I come home drunk and try to get her to have sex with me.

   Whats the purpose of a camouflage Snuggie? Do you plan on eating popcorn while watching TV in the deep woods anytime soon?

   Every year Santa runs over Grandma with his Reindeer. I wonder if I give him extra cookies if he would aim for my ex wife this year instead?

   told its Erection Day today. I'm wasn't sure if I ever celebrated that holiday in the past, but a waiter at Hong Kong Buffet insisted it was and I better get out and vote.

   great advice for those seeking to get out of a terrible relationship and tried almost everything: start peeing the bed. But make sure its theirs.

   ‎[citation needed]

   : Microwave broke - time to break out the Easy Bake Oven.

   wondering when SkyNet is finally going online? I've been preparing for that moment since 1985.

   finds himself dating high maintenance women. I'm not sure why - I think because I hate money. Its as though I check out my checking account, and I say: Oh, that's just too much. I need to make an investment that's going nowhere, fast!

   thinks the only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo, is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

   knows you partied too hard the night before when you're eating cereal naked the next day and your girlfriend says: "Put your clothes on". Just then you realize that was not your girlfriend - it's some woman walking her dog.

   Only in America would they name a State after a bucket of fried chicken.

   Im hiring a midget for a party. Any idea what they eat?

   best job in the world .... a pillow ,get to lay in bed all day and get head every night

   Sorry homework - - TV wins again! It is just too temping :)

   You couldn't get laid in a womens prison with a handful of pardons!

   Whats the purpose of a camouflage Snuggie? Do you plan on going to war with your AK-47 and your trusty snuggie? Look it has sleeves so you can shoot your self!!

   thinks The McRib is made of the same fat they injected in Lisa Rinna's lips.

   Confucius says: Crowded elevator smell different to midget