Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?...me neither...

   Love songs are liars.

   Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.

   I colored my hair today. Never doing that again. It took 5 hours and 12 Sharpies.

   I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   People who say that winning isn't important, never win.

   I wish I could get as excited about anything as the dog does about going for a ride.

   Whenever I feel intimidated by someone I imagine them drinking out of a rabbit water bottle.

   Carrot cakes sounds like it shouldn't be a real thing

   Wife had a facelift today,not high enough,i can still see it,

   Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but nobody needs to know that side of the story...k-thanx

   Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

   Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar. I don't know what the punchline is, but I'm pretty sure the cops are showing up.

   The first thing I'm going to do when I get home tonight is go to the bedroom and take my wife's underwear off..She would kill me if she knew I had them on the whole day.

   My roomate ate some peanuts and sufferd a violent reaction...They were MY peanuts so I kicked the sh!t out of the thieving ba$tard...

   I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

   Life is a roller coaster. You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it.

   A religious man is one who feels repentant on a Sunday, for what he did on Saturday and will do again on Monday.

   If you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, can you pick me up some booze on your way back?

   Whenever I Google something, I get so distracted by the absurd things others have Googled that I rarely get my answer.