Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

   Just finished watching Karate Kid... Why am I throwing high kicks and making ninga sounds? Yaaaaaaa hoo!

   Sitting at home looking at boobies on the internet is much like being at a strip club. You are drunk as hell, can't actually touch them and there is usually some weird ass music playing, but at least it's cheaper!

   my daughter saw a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does, "A f r I c a n Elephant"

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade

   it takes me five minutes to get dressed and fifty-five minutes looking for my other shoe....

   After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

   Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.

   thinks marriage should be a 4 year contract with an option to renew.

   In a perfect world.. Watching porn would actually update your computer.

   no really!! If I ask you how old your child is, and you say something stupid like 87 weeks. then we're fighting!

   ‎[Status Blocked! Due to content only Legends can see what is written]

   Pandora just played songs from Footloose, Rocky and Top Gun. I am so ready to dance through a warehouse, chase a plane with a motorcycle, and fight a Russian now.

   A boyfriend is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives an impression he just cleaned the entire house.

   DRUNK DIAL: The lame assumption that when you drink heavily that people want to talk to your emotional ass at 4am!

   A$$ WHOOPING: Used by parents to discipline insolent children, performed by hitting the child's buttocks or other areas of the body forcefully several times. Usually performed with a hand or other object such as a belt, spatula, or nine-iron golf club!!!!

   ...Nothing says "this wont last"...quite like an engagement ring from Wal-Mart!

   You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate!

   I'm going to recreate the human centipede in my basement. I'm just going to use a bunch of scotch tape though.

   Just had a fight with my toaster it wouldn't let go of my Eggo..R.I.P dear toaster you should have let go of the fricken Eggo