Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't wait for my rent decrease!!!! Will it take effect as soon as the polls close, or will I have to wait until Jimmy is sworn in?

   Lets just say today I need to figure out a thing or two about a thing or two!

   Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker....

   dressing as pac-man and chasing people in burka's.

   ■Twitter makes me like strangers I've never met and Facebook makes me dislike people I know in real life.

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

   Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so as not to appear a complete shut-in who hasn't left the house. -Sent from my iPhone

   I hate when reality stomps its filthy feet all over my happy place.

   Does the Charmin commercials with the dancing cartoon bears freak anyone else out?

   Why do older people scream into their cell phones?

   HATES IT when he's walking along minding his own business and then trips over his penis

   Went to Walmart last night and thought they were doing a special reinactment of "The Hills Have Eyes", but realized that they were all customers, as well.

   Statistics show that 9 out of 10 can' t handle this!

   Where's the dancing Kool-aid Man when you need him????

   likes to sit in the waiting area at the pharmacy, on my cell phone, telling my friend about the contagious rash I have that's covering 90% of my body and how the doctor's can't find a medicine that will work!!!

   To the guy in the stall next to me who's "attempting" to sit down...what's with all the TP? Are you a germaphobe or are you trying to build a freaking NEST?!

   Apparently "get naked" is not the correct response for "anything else I can do for you today?" from the hot male store clerk...Also: I need bail.

   wondering why the yellow brick road never ended?

   So I'm listening to Pandora today, and I think I heard the most fitting name for a techno song that was on... called "This Is Acid"

   I should run for office I'm tired of peeps getn free rides with 26 inch rims and and dont work