Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when your feeling down remember you were that one sperm who won the race.

   I'll take SPORTS SUPERSTARS for $1000 Alex. The answer: Allen Iverson and Randy Moss. *buzzes in* Who are 'people that no one wants on their team anymore?'

   Some women are terribly hard to please… the rest are impossible!

   ■I've got a full 6 pack, but it lacks the plastic thingy to holds it all together.

   ■Cigarettes are like hamsters… perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire.

   Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

   I wonder if it's possible for someone to have a baby and NOT make it their Facebook profile picture.

   Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.

   There's something oddly satisfying about turning off my computer by holding down the power key. Who's in control now, b!tch?

   Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it's my legal obligation to feed you something.

   currently unavailable. Please hang up and try again.

   When going voting I always feel like I am playing a game of pacman with the people out front trying to get you to sign stuff

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.

   O.K. so with the whole calorie burning thing...if your body burns so many calories when it is cold, trying to keep itself warm...then the trick to weight loss would be to go outside in little to no clothes on and "chill". wonder how long you hafta stand t

   Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   I don't like to think myself as 'Special' I like to think myself as limited edition

   The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

   no retreat no surrender no compromise no going back

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history.