Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a toyota prius crashes into a tree, does it make a sound?

   Perfect nite for New Years eve practice....You can build up your alcohol tolerance in disguise to hide the fact your a lightweight.

   wants to remind everyone that all those little ghosts, goblins, princesses, and witches are having the time of their life so please drink responsibly and drive safetly.

   Wow !!!!!! this is the oldest i've ever been, I fell Great..... Just out ran the kid next door to the ice cream truck, so what if he's only 10, i've still got something left in the old tank... It's a good day, a really good day!!!!

   going to a fancy dress party in just his underwear tonight... and when people ask "what you come as" i'll say " A Premature Ejaculation, I've just come in my pants"

   Life is a comedy for those who think... and a tragedy for those who feel.

   Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

   If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

   BEFORE MARRIAGE: Saturday Night Fever AFTER: Monday Night Football

   The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

   Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

   He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

   Its pretty sad I have to put parental controls on Google just to get pumpkin ideas.. Do not Google anything ending with "on a broom".

   Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

   Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.

   Wow you're really cute from far away. I think a long distance relationship could work.

   I'm getting my "Happy Halloween" out of the way right now. I will probably be too hungover to remember or care tomorrow

   When someone says "You're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best.

   Roses are red. Bullets have lead. Take me back. Or get shot in the head.

   It must be impossible to stand out as a prostitute working on Halloween.