jitney Funny Status Messages

   Careful what you write on my FB. My wonderful, charming, brilliant boss reads everyone's email and st@tus Commments! Even if your not his friends he is always on top of things, such a wonderful boss!.....

   Well, If this was 1999, would you have ever thought 13 years from now you could sit on the toilet while updating your facebook status about the End of the world again??? I wonder what will be doing 13yrs in the future from now.......

   Well unfortunately this year again, I didnt get to buy any kid's gift on Black Friday. So I'm getting them the usual Xmas present. A big pack of batteries and attach a card to it that says "Toys not Included"..... It's the thought that counts right?

   I realized I'm too silly for most sex things. My wife was like, "I want you to throw me around in the bedroom" , I was like, "How bout you run around and I trip you!".....I figure its safer for the both of us.

   So TD Bank is marketing 'free pens' as a way to attract new clients......what!?!? no chained pens? Will see how long that will last when school starts.

   I dont know why when I'm online I just gravitate towards Facebook. The computer, the internet/ service, or the Ipad are just useless and pointless with out checking my newsfeed.

   I made my bed, I've failed countless of times by not taking any seats. But I will surely get out my bed every morning and try again, cuz failing is a stepping stone to success. Failure, is not falling down of the bed; but remaining where you have fallen.

   Last time I saw you was last year. It felt so long ago, but I really miss you. I'm so happy I get to see you again this year. Tonight Lets Party hard! Thank you for coming back Saturday!

   You wanna know whats more expensive then Milk and Gas.....Ink! Instead of buying ink for my wireless printer, I mightest well buy a new printer at the rate these prices are going!

   People get FAKE, when ish gets REAL.

   When asked, "What is the best way to end an arguement with your wife" , I usually say a Hit & Run! She'll never see it coming!

   This new bank app I have sends me suspicious activity alert for just about anything.....*alert* someone paid off a light bill, *alert* someone opened a bar tab, *alert* you've overpaid the stripper

   So your neighbors having 3pm afternoon sex next door loud, and your best solution is turning up your porn louder to send them a msg?

   Need to stop drinking this....its like 50 million Beyonces on the stage all of a sudden......

   There will be a huge demand on all European hair this week! So buy stock and shares in hair!

   If this aint the most ghetto-est NFL Superbowl ever.....

   Someone's voodoo doll is finally working for the 49ers! Nice break

   I just heard Beyonce might come back out on the field and sing, "♫♪♫ Can you pay yo Bills?, Yo Stadium Bills....♫♪♫ "

   Don't you hate it when Ur girl or wife ask you life questions while you watching a important game # biiioootch ask Steve Harvey

   Please stop saying "My Valentine is my child." or "Jesus is my Valentine." Unfortunately, they don't count as real Valentine's.