jdpower Funny Status Messages

   Somewhere in America, a guy at a CVS wisely and at the last minute, puts back the loofah

   Trump wants Obama to show his birth certificate.. In other news, Trump is still trying to find all his marriage certificates.

   Experts say the snake that escaped from the Bronx Zoo may be seeking its natural habitat ..and is heading for Wall St.

   There was a piece of cake in the fridge with a 'Don't eat me' note on it. Now there's an empty plate with a 'I don't take orders from cake' note on it.

   Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and wants to go back to using her real name, "Dwayne Johnson"

   If my blood alcohol was Butler's shooting percentage, I could legally drive.

   Don't call me lazy unless you've walked a mile in my slippers

   If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.

   I blame Survivor for my inability to put out a tiki torch without saying, "the tribe has spoken."

   You guys, hear, about these, rogue commas, going around?

   "Thor" is the #1 movie -- proving there's nothing Americans love watching more than an immigrant who's good with a hammer.

   Wow, Paul McCartney got married again?! Really seems like this relationship has legs.

   They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

   I'm putting together a crew for the Rapture, Just booked 4 Penske trucks for Sunday. I'm still in need of 2 drivers and 8 laborers. Meet me at the Wal-Mart parking lot at 6:00 AM Saturday, a BBQ will follow

   I think I'd probably just pay for a Klondike bar.

   Dear Guys Named "Rhys" --Please tell us how it's pronounced already, or prepare to be known as "Buddy"

   Brooklyn Decker is either an ungodly hot supermodel, or a delicious, multi-tiered sandwich. You can't lose with a Brooklyn Decker.

   Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

   These kids today need to show a little respect to those of us who fought for, and won the right to party.

   I just asked a guy at the Mac Store if the iPhone 5 will come with an app that makes AT&T not suck.