SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   The Internet is the world's greatest source of things you don't really need.

   I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.

   If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.

   Judging by the hair on the furniture, I'm surprised I have any cat left at all.

   Great news! I'm declaring a national strike. Nobody go to work.

   Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.

   Facebook: All the people you didn't like from high school- now with pictures of their kids!

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

   "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

   They can go ahead and change the name "land line" to "cell phone finder" now.

   There's some consolation in the fact that even though your dreams haven't come true.... neither have your nightmares.

   Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumba$$ put my cape on backwards.”

   "I want to drink a lot of vodka but I also want to look pretentious." - Inventor of the Martini.

   I wish somebody would invent a Slim Fast beer.

   Nothing personal, but if you're wearing one of those new plastic & velcro boot/cast things, stay the f*** away from me.

   Here's something you'll never hear, "Oh cool, you have a pink lighter."

   Turns out, if your boss is mad at you, playing a surprise game of "Got Your Nose" will NOT ease the tension.

   1000 aches = 1 megahurtz