Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Earlier today Donald Trump crashed his yacht into my yacht... We laughed & laughed,,,, & then we smoked some money

   I just peed so hard I laughed a little.

   Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   I just got a letter from my boomerang.... It said when I get a decent job and quit the drinking,,,,,,,,,,,,,( well, you know )

   Had a long talk with an alien today, good news; they won't be invading us.. They'll just move to Earth once we're all done killing each other...

   Give a man fish, and he'll eat for a day.. Give me fish, and I'll ask for chicken.

   I'll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid's acting like a spoiled brat...I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you're not looking.

   Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed,,, act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaaay better than you.

   On Sunday nights, if you listen closely,,, you can hear Monday taunting you with the "Jaws" theme.

   Time to delete my Instagram account now... Also,, what's Instagram?"

   Ahh Instagram,,,, Makes me wish I'd thought of cropping pictures into a square and applying Photoshop filters from 1998....

   Our local Golden Corral "Chocolate Waterfall" was shut down tonight because the drain was clogged up with band aids again...FTW

   Darth Vader: "Here, I made you some toast." ___Luke: "It's a little on the dark side." ___Vader: ".?." ___Luke: "Lol"___ Vader: "Lol"

   Someone who dines in a diner is a diner........... I N C E P T I O N

   "Ahh,,Yes,Yes,,,I can see where you're coming from." - My Urologist,,, He's a kidder,,

   If you LOVE something, set it free.. If it comes back to you,,,,you love a boomerang

   You gotta go for personality, guys.... They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,

   My kids outgoing voicemail message says,," I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."

   I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy