HiYourJon Funny Status Messages

   Press 1 for English. Press 2 For Spanish. Press 1 or 2 for Indian.

   I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

   there an STD named 'Miley Virus' yet?

   This guy just told me that I was anti-social. Or at least that’s what I think he said, I wasn’t paying attention.

   Obama banned from Call of Duty for using unlimited drone strikes cheat. Biden’s in the corner with a SNES controller making airplane sounds.

   My life is like Grand Theft Auto V except I drive a Subaru Outback and the cops wave at me

   Reads all the pro/anti Obamacare posts. Makes jerk-off motion. Sprains wrist. Files insurance claim.

   Why would canada discontinue pennies?? That country doesnt make cents

   It's Google's 15th birthday today. Typical fifteen year old. It's got an answer for everything.

   Pumped for the series finale of the U.S. government!

   "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No, officer." The cop removes his shades and looks to the horizon with teary eyes. "Neither do I."

   When life gives you melons you have dyslexia

   Bravo to the Capitol police. Atleast someone in Washington is doing their job!!

   Just read a report that said 86% of holy water tested had fecal matter in it. Holy shít!!

   I was voted 'Most Paranoid' by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.

   Voting is like pressing the walk button at an intersection. It doesn't change anything, but if you wait long enough you'll get the white guy

   Two yrs ago I weighed 296lbs. Today I weigh 293lbs. Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.

   The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.

   It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says "I'm in this now."

   "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers." - new york's most hated cab driver