@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   If you need help in a hurry at Best Buy... just begin shoving a CD in your pants.

   there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?

   Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don't feel like doing.

   I used to suffer from major blackouts. This one time,...I have no idea what happened.

   When I was a kid I used to call my house after curfew wait for my mom to answer and say, 'I got it Mom' then hang up and stay out all night.

   I bet people don't even wear capes in Cape Town.

   “When it Absowutewy, Positivewy has to be thewe ovewnight." ~ FuddEx

   When I die, I want to be cremated regardless of cost... I feel like I've urned it.

   There comes a point in every unicyclist's life when he sees a bicycle and says, "Jesus, they make them with 2 wheels now. I've been a fool."

   I'm pretty sure Knick, Knack and Patty Whack have given me the bone today.

   The doctor called me in his office and said be positive. I said why doc what's wrong? He said nothing... that's your blood type.

   I used to think it was fine to eat Taco Bell twice in one week... I sit corrected.

   I love those sayings that have 2 opposite words in them... Exact Estimate - Act Naturally - Small Crowd - Found Missing - Happily Married...

   I'm writing a book about cheap imported cars... It's a real Saab story.

   Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of

   If my fortune cookie said "You will die a violent death today," I would still add "in bed" to the end and laugh.

   When a waitress says, "Let me know if you need anything else." I gaze into her eyes and say, "Just someone who will listen."

   The paper shredder will shred Pop-Tarts! I repeat: THE PAPER SHREDDER WILL SHRED POP TARTS!

   Having kids is like a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next." "No, you can't really fly - next."

   The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let's go off script. What are you wearing?"