bego Funny Status Messages

   7 things I look for in a girl: Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

   I hope they gave this year's Nobel Prize to the dude who invented Yoga Pants.

   My girlfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's ok, she won't get far. I set up a claymore by the door.

   My Life: Wake up, Survive, Sleep.

   Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

   The Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch.

   Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.

   My brain is about as organized as the WalMart $5 DVD bin.

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you'll have nothing to smile about when you're old.

   You can spend 7 bucks on a 6 pack of Bud Light or you can just take a piss in your mouth for free.

   There are friends, there is family and then there are friends that become family.

   Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets.

   Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."

   If there were a pill for stupid....some people would have to take more than one.

   Sometimes you just need your space, so you can figure out how you fit into someone else's.

   Universal truth: sun rises in the East Fact: sun neither rises nor sets, the Earth rotates... Moral: Education kills our Common Sense

   Let us all take a moment, and be thankful that spiders can't fly.

   Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

   That gangsta feeling when you rap your favorite song without messing up.

   Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible