Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Of course I was driving under the influence, I'm too drunk to walk!"

   can someone give me directions to the humor section please?

   i'm tired...will you carry me to bed?

   recycle...because mother earth likes to regift too

   i know so many people who wish they were computer geeks now...they pay really well too

   so if you bug me for my number and I tell you my credit score...will you go away??

   I just realized that you can find more of your friends under the "other tools" category. Apparently, FB doesn't really know my friends because none of them were under this category...

   Daughter walks in on her mom giving dad a hand job, "Mommy, what you doing?" Mom says "Your daddy is getting too fat, so I'm letting some of the air out of him." The little girl replies, "Good luck, the lady next door is just got done blowing him up again

   Girls are like buses they come and go. But remember there's only one bus that takes you home. Never miss that ONE bus :)

   divorce is unexpected sometimes...I know you don't have facebook hubby but the biotch your doing that has been creeping my status can give ya this message....lawyer will be in touch with the divorce papers you cheating jerk!!

   My whipped ice dairy drink brings the attention of many males to my place of residence and they declare its quality far surpasses yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours. I could convey to you the recipe but I would have to demand compensation

   Does womens restrooms have attendants in the fancy strip clubs? If so how do I apply?

   loves playing with it more and more the longer it gets! (my hair)

   go to Google and push the play button. You're Welcome:)

   It's not the destination, it's the journey. Except when you're heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.

   When the Spice Girls chose their "Spicy" alter-ego nicknames, the girl with the biggest boobs should have chosen to go by Spice Rack.

   Making up fake resumes for my coworkers and submitting them for sh!tty jobs.

   Spellcheck? I just type the words into the Google Toolbar and see if it corrects me.

   Excuses: Elementary School - "He started it!" Middle School - "It was a dare!" High School - "I was drunk."

   How long before I can convince you all that it's my birthday again?