Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hiking is just walking where it's ok to pee. (sometimes old people hike by mistake)

   Come on, give me that booze you little pumpkin pie hair cutted freak.

   If she fu@ks like she complains, you're in for a treat!!

   thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.

   I throw my sandwich in the air sometimes saying ayo I said no mayo.

   When someone changes their relationship status to "It's complicated." it always means that they don't know which hand to use...

   Bruno Mars told me, "If perfect is what you're searching for then just stay the same."

   i wonder if cows kno how good they taste.. .

   Coming with a good status is 3% talent, 97% comes from stealing it from the internet.

   invented the eye roll in <insert year you were born>, seriously I started that.

   its a shame that your profile picture is the only good pic you have out of the 500 albums you created.

   why do boogers hang on to your finger like their life depended on it.

   i feel bad when I see strangers with their zipper down I want to tell them but I feel I would be inviting danger into my life

   so I was digging a booger out and got blindsided by middle managment who gave me no time to react before they were shaking my hand and introducing me to new staff...and I don't feel guilty about it..boogers on you!

   has a awaiting list to accept friend requests, but $50 may get you to the front of the line

   I think I suffer from CDO ... Its like OCD, but in alphabetical order, LIKE IT SHOULD BE!!!

   currently in a status update war with someone who thinks they are funnier than me, that hilarious!

   Nobody has new and fresh ideas...whats going on ppl!

   thinks that he has stumbled onto the secret of true happiness, but unfortunately, he hasn't figured out a way to charge people for it.

   who cares about weight or looks a beautiful woman to me is one who is comfortable in her own skin with a credit score more than 715.