Baddie Funny Status Messages

   It's okay I'll text myself back.

   If Walmart really wanted to help its customers, they'd sell teeth.

   My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I'm just glad to be involved.

   don't go outside, people talk to you. i'm still shaking.

   I'm happy Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman but I'd be even happier if his stepdaughters transitioned into oblivion

   I used to care but I take a pill for that now.

   Me crazy? If it wasn't so hard to get back up on this unicorn, I'd so b*tch-slap you

   Stupid cats stealing all our women.

   The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican.

   No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

   I'm so excited to not hear from you again tomorrow.

   Last I heard, my guardian angel was in the ER with alcohol poisoning.

   Sorry I stopped, dropped and rolled when you told me you loved me.

   Tell me I drink too much so I can drink about that too.

   I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE ?"

   the only reason Kanye likes Kim's ass all oiled up is because he can see his own reflection in it.

   Technically, I don't have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I'm not doing anything.

   So now people are purposely sucking on cups to enlarge their lips. What more is the apocalypse waiting for?

   Why did humans invent hell, when there are enough real things to be scared of, like emotional commitment, marriage and a woman on her period.

   My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.