Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes.

   I tasted my own medicine. It's bacon flavored and hallucinogenic. Thanks for the advice!

   One man's trash is another man's daughter.

   I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.

   I hope no one chooses me as their one phone call in jail. I don't even answer when my mom calls.

   New T.V. show idea... BEER FACTOR. "How many beers do you think it will take to get him/her to eat this bug?"

   I'm putting way too much pressure on my coffee this morning.

   I live by my own rules... that my gf has reviewed, revised and then approved. BUT STILL MY OWN RULES!!!!

   You only live once. Have fun, enjoy life to the fullest, do what you want and don't look back, smile, love somebody. live for the future, not the past. Life is too short to be p!ssed off all the time!

   You don't know how strong you are until you have no other option.

   The more you show the person that you cant live without them, the more reasons you're giving them to take you for granted.

   If I were a girl who knew a lot about cars, I'd open up a body shop called Lady Parts.

   I'm not the jealous type... Unless you stop being infatuated with me. Then I pull you back so I can start ignoring you again.

   Not even my closest friends know me as well as my internet history does.

   I believe what politicians say as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder!" That shut em up!

   My friend said, "I don't like Budweiser or Coors, I only drink Corona." And I said, "I'm like a beer slut, I drink anything."

   "My phone's about to die." - Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

   I just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there.

   When your girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat?" the correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"