Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Does anyone on Facebook ever actually get laid? Asking for me.

   If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.

   My daughter kicked me out of her imaginary tea party when I asked if she had any vodka.

   I'll put my phone down when I'm dead on the outside too

   Sorry I accidentally turned off all the lights and played dead when you knocked on the door.

   Christmas Gift idea: Take her to the Planetarium so she can see the world doesn't revolve around her.

   Sorry I asked for a receipt when you gave me your heart..

   If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it's technically a cat

   [During Interview] "Do you have any questions?" - Yeah, in The Titanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

   But Officer, that's just my medicinal sawed-off shotgun.

   90% of socializing is wondering what to do with your hands when out in public.

   Relationship Status: Intercepting blown kisses.

   Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won't be the worst reason we ever went to war.

   You may remember me from such events as ruining Christmas dinner.

   No Miley, Santa doesn’t have a "twerkshop"

   I don't want feelings. I just want pizza.

   Social Media: When you can't stand being around human beings but also can't stand to be alone with your thoughts.

   2015 and I still can't believe it's not butter!

   No one will ever look at you the way I do.. .. .. But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window

   My wife gave me a coupon good for one blowjob on my birthday. I redeemed it with her friend Betty.