Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Don’t text and drive. You’ll misspell a lot of words and people will be like wow I don’t respect this guy.

   If Charles Manson can get married in prison I should at least be allowed to text at red lights

   My life is just one long improvisation.

   One thing we can be sure of is Adam was not a doctor. Otherwise, the apple would have kept him away.

   If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you're doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.

   [in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope

   P0rn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend and stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

   Pay attention kids. I'm about to prove nothing good ever comes from getting out of bed.

   Midgets that go missing get their faces put on the backs of condensed milk.

   Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don't know what to do

   I have developed awkward into a powerful weapon for shutting down conversation.

   Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?

   I've disappointed a lot of people in my life, you're not special.

   If I had wanted to talk I would've worn underwear

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.

   "There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor

   How much for the soul mate? Sir, that's a bottle of Vodka.

   Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.

   Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".