Funny Status Messages and Tweets

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   Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile

   I'd much rather have a sex tape released to the public than a tape of me trying to run in flip-flops.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.

   Facebook has pretty much made it impossible to ever again say, "I had no idea it was your birthday!"

   Oh I can see by your Four Square there that you just checked into Target. Be sure to notify us all when you check into therapy.

   attempting to cook a blackbean & chicken rice dish but can't see with all the thick black smoke and as for these bloody alarms ringing in my ears, saying that it must smell good, 8 men have just piled out of a red truck are trying to break down my door

   Don't you just hate it when you're in the express queue at the supermarket and the person in front of you has 15-20 items in their basket and you only have 2...

   I ran my WII, PS3 and Xbox 360 all at the same time. Jesus appeared in my living room and shook his index finger at me.

   If you cant beat them, put a few drops of Visine in their coffee.

   The first testicular guard “Cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. We have our priorities…

   If your thinking of watching...Scott Pilgrim vs. the World...Just shoot yourself in the face now and save yourself some misery.

   Ahh Sams Club.. Ever notice the people who frequent that place? It's kind of like the bar scene from StarWars

   California is suspending executions due to lethal drug shortage. Someone should talk to Texas. I bet they're storing their surplus in caves.

   I got an enema in honor of National Punctuation Day. I now have a perfect colon.

   having a threesome with aunt jemima & mrs. butterworth

   .If you ever start to feel good about humanity, just spend five minutes in a Trader Joe's parking lot.

   In the wake of the tornado, Fox News is whipping up a frenzy over the plans of some munchkins to build a community center in Williamsburg.

   I didn't realize Toyota was so LGBT friendly, but apparently the Tundra comes with an aluminum tranny.

   The "Like" button is the new red AIDS ribbon. It allows people to feel like they're being supportive without having to actually do anything.