Baddie Funny Status Messages

   The amount of people I have to say good morning to on a daily basis really pisses me off

   Don't half ass it. It's not a real nap unless you take your pants off.

   A real woman does not have a "wrong hole".

   Only way I'm having sex for 3 hours is if we taking a nap for the first 2hrs 56 min

   You make me want to be a drunker person

   The heart wants what the liquor store has.

   I'm just gonna wait for the iPhone12 when Siri can extend her arms and hold me.

   UK's terror alert levels: 1. Oh we couldn't possibly 2. Blimey! 3. Call Jeeves!! 4. Bloody hell 5. *puts down teacup*

   Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don't want to look like a dork.

   Helping someone set up a Facebook account is kind of like watching someone try meth for the 1st time.

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There is no way in hell a guy with a ponytail would own a house that nice.

   I can't decide if I should lay off the booze or just lay in it.

   If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.

   I’d rather wear Rosie O’Donnell’s dirty underwear as a ski mask than turn Facebook chat on.

   You had me at "what does wrong hole mean"?

   No thanks "Love Quotes" account. I get all my love quotes from P0rnHub.

   Lisa in Accounts suggested we play Xmas music in the office. Long story short, she left early due to food poisoning.

   Haven't seen a Marilyn Monroe quote in a while. I hope she's okay.

   I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.

   I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones