Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Wife: Do you want something for dinner?,, Me: What are my choices?,,, Wife: Yes or No.

   If Apple had a nickle for every time an iPhone dropped it's connection they'd be one of the richest companies in the.......... Oh.

   Understand that the road to zombie hell is paved with absolutely good intestines.

   Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm backwards is mnbvcxzlkjhgfdsapoiuytrewq ,,,, Now 14% of you will proof this for accuracy,,, and then die alone.....Asses

   I can't recall,,,Was the "power of Grayskull" 110v or 220v?

   And on the third day God created the beach,, so every 70's rock band would have a place to shoot their album cover.

   My favorite Easter tradition is when Uncle Gary starts giving everyone Stone Cold Stunners a half hour after the deviled eggs are gone.

   Praise be unto Jesus,, owned so epically on the Cross so that we may not be similarly Owned & who on the 3rd day turned Epic Fail to epic Win

   I sit for 5 minutes laughing at my own tweet.. Then read it to my wife who looks at me in confusion...

   I know dream catchers don't work,, because I've never seen one in a car worth more than three thousand dollars.

   The Boston Red Sox are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies... Sox officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field

   My dog ate the garbage so told him he was bad,, He yelled "you're not my real dad!" and ran away ........ wait,, I don't have a dog

   It's a shame that Qatar's national airline is "Qatar Airways",, and not the far superior "Air Qatar".

   American Idol would be so much better if Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets were the judges.

   Wait !! Everybody stop posting,,,,, I dropped a contact lens

   I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.

   Apple cobbler? Uh,, No thanks,,, If I ever want shoes made for my apples,, I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper,,, I'm NOT an idiot..

   The cool thing about Taco Bell's " 5 buck box " Is that if you time your eating right... As soon as your done, you can turn right around and use the box to make a Mexican " soft serve" in it......... I know,, what a green idea

   I know it's 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?

   The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.