Huck Funny Status Messages

   Accidentally spilled tear gas, and then realized there's no point in crying over it.

   My generation's zombies didn't run. They walked. Uphill. In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.

   If there's one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it's... "Goonies never say die!"

   People who work in retail: How do you do it??? I am merely a humble line participant, and I want to choke everyone around me.

   Oh, you lost your phone and it's on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

   Fun thing to do # 58: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you're the valet. 3. Say yes.

   I'd save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.

   If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.

   You know what they say. So I guess I don’t have to tell you.

   I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.

   You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.

   My fiance and her mom say more in one phone conversation to each other than my dad and I have in my entire life.

   Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.

   Kids are more sensitive to bullying these days because they never grew up dealing with the dog from Duck Hunt.

   My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

   Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"

   I wish my grade school teachers could see how much better I've gotten at hardcore spacing out.

   When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.

   While reciting the alphabet, we all turn into rappers when we get to L M N O P. That's the gangsta part.

   Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m.