Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm sorry I upset you. I'll try not to be right next time.

   I wish I had a nickel for every time I wanted to sell weed.

   When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.

   When I see a guy tweeting nothing but sweet quotes for women, I feel bad for him. It has to suck never having a girlfriend.

   I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.

   Tiger Woods has gotten so bad that bl@ck people are starting to acknowledge his other nationalities.

   I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”

   Apparently I offended a midget with one of my jokes. I told him to grow up.

   My gangsta lean is just scoliosis.

   Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.

   I walked past a car filled with Mexican teens and they locked all the doors. I was feeling like a bad ass until I realized, it was my damn car.

   Don't judge a book by its cover but you can judge a girl by the quality of her baby toe.

   "Mirror, mirror on the the wall, who's the most expressionless one of them all?" --how I imagine this Kristen Stewart Snow White movie going

   At some point you just stop wiping your kid's ass for him and hope for the best.

   There's something about you I don't like, but I can't seem to put my middle finger on it.

   Makeup? Nowadays, it's more like cake-up.

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"

   Fortunately women have the miraculous ability to change the meaning of their actions after the event.

   Libertarians keep Republicans out of your bedroom and Democrats out of your wallet.

   No matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart.