SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo sh!t shoveler.

   A polaroid is what an eskimo takes when he wants to bulk up.

   I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check.

   Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.

   I'm almost drunk enough to comment on a YouTube video.

   I had skylights installed at my place last night and I don't get why the people who live upstairs aren't okay with this.

   I wish I could illegally download clothes from the internet.

   Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

   Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.

   As a skeptic I find it very hard to believe in myself.

   Not enough people realize the value of slacking off.

   I don't mind going to work. It's that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.

   Sometimes, the best kind of birth control is just good lighting.

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.

   Probably drank too much coffee this morning. Probably drank too much. Probably too much coffee. Drank too much. Coffee. Probably.

   Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. Boobs are a great example.

   Who's this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?

   There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'. I am pretty sure it means 'stop timER' but I don't push it just in case.

   Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.