Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm white but not "I enjoy engaging people in discussions about antioxidants" white.

   My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."

   Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

   Sorry I woke your baby when I opened my velcro wallet.

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   You could have just said you weren't having sex, you didn't have to wear crocs.

   They should line rock bottom with bubble wrap.

   I only lower the bar so it's easier to reach my drink.

   My mom just asked me to get her lotion from her bathroom drawer. I don't know what I saw. I don't care what I saw. This is my suicide note.

   I wish I had half of the fight in me as the spider that I just washed down my bathroom sink did.

   There have been more Taken sequels than Americans that have died from Ebola, if you wanted to know about the real epidemic.

   With gas prices at what 5 bucks a gallon? It's cheaper to do cocaine and just run everywhere.

   I'm worried for my friend. He hasn't shared a blog article about the secret to happiness in weeks.

   A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a hole, wondering if I might find glory on the other side.

   Oh you think you have it bad? In my day you didn't see the other persons genitals until after you actually met them.

   Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I'm just kidding there's no pizza.

   Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

   My dogs say the nicest things to me, sure it sounds like my voice but its their words.

   Sorry I photobombed your selfie, but I needed an alibi.